Dear Young Girls,
In case the messages sent out to women on the daily aren’t reaching you or clear enough, I wanted to take a few minutes to school you on the realities of life with a vagina.
First and foremost, it is important that you understand feeling safe is never an option. Sadly, not getting raped requires constant vigilance, and is entirely your responsibility. Men have needs and are hard wired to get them met.
You should also be aware (to ensure maximum guilt) that if you do get yourself raped, reporting it may ruin your rapist’s life and future. Just the rape charge alone might smear his reputation; thus making it much more difficult for him to continue raping.
Your viable options where violations to your body are concerned are pretty simple. Either lay low and out of sight or just lay there quietly, until he’s finished, and keep quiet about it.
Sure, society may try to sell the idea that you own the rights to your body, but the facts scream that this is just not true. Whatever you believe your life’s purpose is, please understand that the needs and desires of men should always come first on your “to do” lists.
You don’t get to decide who and what happens to you if you make the decision to trust someone with your body. So, to help you avoid inadvertently inviting rape into your life, I have taken the liberty of coming up with 20 totally reasonable suggestions for not accidentally walking around with a brilliant “Rape Me” sign.
#1 Never consume alcohol in any quantity, ever.
Imagine openly drinking alcohol as a penis party invitation for all the men you know. It’s like asking men to rape you.
#2 Don’t wear skirts, heels, lipstick, tight clothes, low-cut shirts, or feel even the slightest bit sexy in any way.
All of these things make it pretty obvious you want to be raped.
#3 Spend hours de-sexifying yourself, and never exude anything that resembles confidence.
Understand that you should always feel ashamed of your body, as it is merely a tool for men to find pleasure. Things like assertiveness, confidence, and comfort will be viewed as invitations to tame you.
#4 Don’t tease or challenge men by using words like, “I’m not interested.” or “No.”
These words send the message that you’d rather be sleeping or unconscious during your consensual sex with them.
#5 Whenever approached by a man, just do whatever he says.
If you always just do what men tell you to, they won’t have to rape you. Another plus is that you won’t ever have to embarrass yourself by thinking the justice system cares more about your life and future than that of a rapist.
#6 Always wear anti-rape underwear with a combination lock on it.
Yes, of course that exists. We’ve already established it’s up to you. Who else’s responsibility should it be to make sure your body is not violated by men? No, it’s not super convenient, but let’s not pretend this is about you and your comfort.
#7 Don’t be a heavy sleeper.
If you are a heavy sleeper, see #6.
#8 Don’t go to college.
#9 Go to college, but never hang out with men alone.
Hanging out alone with men in college is basically like saying you want to have sex with them. If then you think it’s perfectly fine to reject their advances, you leave them with no choice but to rape you.
#10 Don’t go to bars.
If you go to bars and order drinks, you’re practically begging someone to drop you a sleeping pill and rape you.
#11 Go to bars, but make sure to stare at your beverage the whole time.
This will ensure you’re not asking for a man to drug you, or making it much easier to rape you.
#12 Don’t leave your house or ever invite men over.
Being friends with a guy could be viewed as a mating ritual.
Better safe than sorry.
#13 Always be on the lookout for possible ways you could be raped today, and then just make all your life decisions based on how to avoid it.
#14 Don’t believe the lie that it’s okay to have consensual sex with some men and not all.
Enjoying your body in any way only makes you look slutty and an easier target for raping/victim blaming.
#15 Don’t be a virgin.
Making the decision to wait makes you a tease and an easier target for raping/victim blaming.
Your virginity may also make the prize (your vagina) more valuable, and force men to compete to be the lucky one to break you.
#16 Find the delicate balance between “whore” and “prude.”
If you’re going to risk rape by being picky about who you have sex with, it is your job to not be seen as a whore or prude. Both positions dramatically increase your chances of being justifiably raped, and it’s on you to manage the numbers and responsibility.
#17 Don’t pretend Lesbianism is a real thing or that you’re not interested in men.
Everyone knows all a woman needs is the right man to show her what’s up. Telling men you’re a lesbian is like begging them to be that man. When in doubt, refer to #5.
#18 If you do get yourself raped, keep that shit to yourself.
There’s no need to muddy this poor guy’s life and/or future just because you weren’t careful enough not to get raped or unconsciously asked him to penetrate you. After all, men deserve an amazing college experience free from the labels and consequences that nicknames like “Roger the Rapist” might bring about. It’s not your place to warn other women not to let him rape them. College girls should know it’s up to them not to get raped. Just because you were naive enough to trust him doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have future opportunities with other unconscious women.
#19 Don’t believe that some men are trustworthy and safe.
This will only serve to make you feel responsible when you inevitably get raped by someone you thought was your friend. Just treat all men like they want to rape you, and take the appropriate precautions.
It’s not like they can help it anyway, right? Poor things.
#20 If you’re going to put yourself in a position to be raped, make sure he’s not a big deal.
Make sure your rapist is not super popular or talented with “a great future ahead of him,” or (God forbid) already famous. Everyone will know you passed out in that dark alley just to taunt him. Besides, nobody wants to risk the chances of other women missing the opportunity to experience being raped by a great athlete, actor, etc.
Don’t be selfish.
That sand and glass will wash out of your hair, but rape convictions stain.
(This post originally ran on Next Life, NO Kids)
Julie Maida is a married mother of three, writer, humorist, recovery advocate, and survivor of many things. She writes about hilarious WTF moments, recovery and parenting with mental illness, and also general things that she finds annoying AF. You can find her (running mostly on coffee and prayer) at nextlifenokids.com and follow her around @NextLifeNOKids, @Mommitment, and @SoberMommies
