Here is how you cheat your way to being the Mom who owns the playground:
Recently a few moms in the school playground commented on how ‘together’ I always seemed to be. “How do you it?” they groaned.
You want to know? Really? Okay, then. Here are my top 5 tips to cheat your way through so others think you’ve got your shit together!
Tip 1:
Always have an assortment of hats and sunglasses in your car. Chances are you have barely had time to put deodorant on let alone have a shower. It may have been 2 days since your last wash. Your hair is mank, limp and your roots are ferocious! Wearing make up? Oh come on! You are more likely to be wearing last nights underwear.
Cover it up baby.
That’s right. It has been scientifically proven that wearing hats and sunglasses will make you look mysterious, intelligent and rich. Smoke and mirrors bitches!
Tip 2:
NEVER scream at your children in the playground. Oh no, no, no! Screaming in public is for whores and fishermen’s wives. If your kids are embarrassing you then you must wait until they are IN the car. Especially in front of other moms. I repeat, you need to wait until the little shits are IN the car. You can then scream blue murder at those little trolls and no one will hear you. Winner!
Tip 3:
Carry your baby in a papoose for as long as you can. I’m talking maybe 2 or 3 years. No baby of your own? Borrow one! Babies are the must-have accessory for any season. Babies conveniently cover up flabby stomachs, draws attention away from those saggy boobs and a papoose works as well as any 1920’s corset. And the best part? Women are drawn to babies right? So if you stand in the playground with a baby permanently attached to you, then you are a mommy magnet, and you will look super popular.
Tip 4:
Wear sports gear. Constantly. Not exercised in years? Those moms will never know! Tell them what they want to hear. I’m literally choking on my own tears of laughter thinking how many moms started a conversation with me because they assumed I had been working out. Embellish. Vacuumed the house? That will not do. You did a core training concentrating on your arms! Sat on your ass watching TV all day? No way. You meditated during yoga. Got it? Feed them a bullshit sandwich.
Tip 5:
Bribe your kids to love you. I have a deal with my kids that they won’t get any snacks until they have given me a kiss in the play ground. Yup. I made a deal with the devil, and I know it. The bigger they hug and kiss, me the bigger the snack I give them. Ask me how my day is going in front of other moms? Hell, we’re going to Dairy Queen. Best part is, the kids know they won’t get the snack until we are hidden in the car, so moms think my kids do this because they care. LMFAO!
So you see, never believe that ANYONE is as together as you think they are.
And never trust anyone wearing a hat.
