I have been reading a lot of articles lately about how to save time in the morning, so called “life hacks” for getting your kids off to school without any drama. Let me tell you something – all those suggestions from the Perfect Mommy Brigade aren’t going to do shit for you when it comes to getting out of the house without you screaming, them crying and everyone having a meltdown. So, from here in the trenches where the mediocre moms live, I have come up with a list that will actually help. You’re welcome.
- Getting Dressed. God help us all. This is always an issue and for all I care the little monsters can go to school in their pajamas, but I hear that in some circles that is frowned upon. These perfect life hackers love to suggest you lay out tomorrow’s clothes before bed. I say just send them to bed in the clothes they are going to wear the next day. Shoes included. This makes life so much easier for everyone. Sure, they will be wrinkled, but it’s not like they are going to a board meeting.
- Breakfast. The most important meal of the day, they say. Give them eggs and cheese and protein, they say. Just give them a toaster strudel. Sure, it’s loaded with sugar, but that’s not your problem, they’re going to school. No one will fight with you about eating breakfast again. And if you happen to oversleep, those suckers can be eaten in the car no problem.
- Hygiene. Between hair brushing, tooth brushing and face washing you could waste hours of time. I don’t care how many sticker charts you put on the damn wall, it’s going to be a battle to rival D-Day. Just let it go. No one cares if your kid smells. They all stink, it is a fact of life. Someday they will be teenagers and you will be used to the stench, so really you are just doing yourself a favor here.
- Chores. These Martha Stewart wannabes also like to discuss Moms with morning chores for their kids that include things like making beds. All I can say is, REALLY? Are you freaking kidding me with this crap? Making a bed is a huge waste of time. Put an end to that right now. Cleanliness might be next to Godliness, but you are going to school, not church. Save that for Sundays. Yes, your house will be a mess. So don’t have anyone over.
- Lunches. Buy some lunchables and call it a day. Look, not everyone can have healthy, organic, locally grown, gluten-free, vegan, kale sandwiches. Someone has to pack the Cheetos. Let that someone be you. Every kid in your child’s class will think you are the greatest mom ever. Of course all their parents will think you are an asshole, but since you can’t have people over to your messy house, who cares?
- Homework. There is always homework and it is invariably lost at 7:45 a.m. It’s been suggested you have a folder or special organizer on the kitchen counter. No. The solution may sound harsh, but remember, we are trying to raise adults here, not lazy people who can’t even complete the one job they have. You need to refuse to turn around or bring anything to school after drop-off. And yes, this applies to kindergarteners too because you need to show them you mean business. It’s possible they may flunk out of 3rd grade, but someone has to fry the french fries.
If you incorporate all these changes to your morning routine, you should be able to save yourself at least eight, maybe even ten minutes. In other words, just enough time to hit the drive-thru at Starbucks. Good luck!