Who needs a pediatrician when you have Google and mommy blogs? There’s plenty of information out there on when a kid will start talking or rolling over, but what about the stuff you really want to know? Like “when will my toddler stop being such an asshole?” I don’t have an answer to that (because the answer is possibly never, there are grown-up assholes too—I assume they’ve always been that way), but I do have answers to some other very pressing questions about your kid’s behavior.
You want to know: When will my kid start asking me for a tissue instead of running around the playground with snot streaming down his face while other parents hastily re position their kids out of his disgusting reach?
Answer: Probably around 2. But then you get to deal with public nose picking and being handed dirty, used tissues at inconvenient times because apparently disposing of one’s trash is a later milestone.
You want to know: Will my kid ever make it through an entire bath without screaming like the Wicked Witch of the West every time water hits her face?
Answer: I have no idea. My husband mocks me relentlessly because I still need to towel off my face in the shower for this exact reason. But I don’t scream about it.
You want to know: What was the point of potty training if my daughter can’t even wipe her own butt?
Answer: I don’t know, to save money on diapers, only to spend it on laundry detergent for all the accidents that happen? I’m pretty sure parents are pressured into potty training before it makes logistical sense out of a collective fear our kid is going to be that kid in kindergarten still wearing a diaper.
You want to know: Will my son ever stop grabbing his penis?
Answer: No, but when you stop seeing him do it, rest assured it’s happening behind closed doors. Plan ahead and teach him how to run the washing machine.
You want to know: When will my kid stop throwing up on me?
Answer: That depends on whether or not you’re a “cool mom” who will go out binge drinking with your 20-year-old someday.
What you want to know: Am I the only person who wants to die a little every time my kid touches the floor or toilet in a public bathroom then puts his hands in his mouth?
Answer: No, no you are not.
What you want to know: When is it socially acceptable to start pawning my kids off on other parents for sleepovers?
Answer: As soon as someone else will take them. I’ve been offering my 2-year-old and 4-year-old since they were born, but oddly, no one has yet taken me up on it. I’m pretty sure this is why parents like to live in close proximity to grandparents.
What you want to know: Will I have to muster up fake laughs for the rest of my life, or will my kid ever tell a genuinely funny joke?
Answer: If you can master a fake laugh for co-workers, you can master one for home. Some people just aren’t funny. It’s better to prepare yourself for that possibility and end up pleasantly surprised than to buy her joke books every Christmas.
About the author: Anna Gracia was a CPA and a teacher in her former life. She is now a writer and tennis coach because she apparently never wants to be rich. She runs the movie review and commentary website The Snarky Reviewer. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter.