I have been browsing the Internet for positive stories of living in an atomic family. I have been looking and searching and surfing and wasn’t finding anything. Article after article bemoaned the fact that we are not living like our ancestors anymore. “It takes a village to raise a child” was the message I kept on reading until I wanted to puke. The message was clear: when you’ve been raised without grandparents, you have probably missed something.
I beg to differ. I was raised without grandparents or any other extended family for a major part of my life. I didn’t miss anyone. I didn’t wish I had grandparents to take care of me because I thought that it was the parents’ job, as it should be. Instead, I listened to what other children were telling me about their grandparents: “I had a much better relationship with my grandparents than with my parents.” A grandfather told me that he actually has more time for his grandchildren than he had for his own children. Personally, I think this is sad. I promised to work hard for a good relationship with my children so that they wouldn’t say the same thing. And I loved the fact that I could be alone at home, with no one to disturb me. I loved the fact that we didn’t have to think about seating our Christmas guests because Uncle So-And-So doesn’t talk to Aunt What’s-Her-Name, and Cousin Pete is still offended by something that Cousin Joe said 30 years ago. There was no pressure to impress family, no expectations. For an introvert like me, it was perfect.
Fast forward some years later, and I find myself a mom to three wonderful children. We live in a country that is neither mine nor my husband’s. I have learned to appreciate extended family from both sides. My parents were extremely supportive of my choices from the beginning. My in-laws needed some rules explained to them, but are learning fast. I am actually glad that my children are growing up with two sets of grandparents, and uncles and an ever-growing army of cousins.
We make sure that the children visit both of our families. We use technology to keep in touch.
But I love the independence, the solitude, the closely-knit family relationships that being an expat often causes. And last but not least, I am enjoying my great support network I have here in the Netherlands. Extended family is wonderful but good quality daycares, babysitters, teachers, schools, nannies and other helpers are awesome, too. They are not strangers. They know our children and their support is invaluable. The fact that you pay them money means that the rules of what they can and cannot do are clear and you are not bound by any obligations. In case of conflicts, my loyalties lie with my atomic family, not with the “big family” as a whole. The individual gets overlooked in a big family while in an atomic, he or she can thrive.
Think about all this, and stop pitying me for my grandparents-free childhood. And stop feeling guilty if your child doesn’t have an extended family. I think we’re living in awesome times with all types of families: traditional multigenerational families. Patchwork families. Gay families. And last but definitely not least, atomic families: the parents and the children. This is what is the most important. All the rest is luxury, not a necessity.