My husband is from Scotland, born and raised. I like to believe I was a well-traveled woman before we began dating. My work took me all over the US. I’d been to Mexico countless times, the Caribbean.
While preparing for my first trip to Scotland, however, I casually say to him, “Just want to double check, but I assume I can use US dollars there?” I believe in the moments that followed, he was weighing out the pros and cons of marrying someone so stupid.
“We aren’t going to Mexico, Mamacita,” he finally says. Apparently the fact that other countries have their own currency means that you must use their currency when you are IN their country. Good to know.
During our courtship, there were also some really awkward moments that I will call “the language schism of the British and the Colonies.”
Seriously, do you know how many words mean TOTALLY different things across the pond?
We started here:
Fanny – This word has translated into hours of laughter in our home. I’ve often heard my husband chuckling as he watched ESPN. One of the commentators is fond of the phrase, “He needs a good kick up the fanny” when an athlete wasn’t giving 100%. Apparently, to a British person, this literally means he is going to get kicked in the vagina. And don’t get him started on fanny packs. They are called “bum bags” in the UK for good reason.
Floater – Ahh, the early days of love. We strolled along a crowded street on a scorching hot summer day in a quaint little river town, reveling in every new detail we learned about each other. Did I mention it was 110 degrees? We spot an ice cream parlor on the next block. “Brilliant,” he exclaims. “How about we get a floater?” My poor husband-to-be then stood beside me, ushering the crowds around me while I stood frozen, laughing, for 7 minutes. ‘Ice cream float’ and ‘floater’ may be used interchangeably by the Royal family, but I would caution it here, unless you fancy ordering yourself a turd.
Cow – To my husband, calling a woman a ‘cow’ means she is being a pain in the ass. Outside of the US, it has ZERO bearing on the weight or relative size of said woman. You should know this before publicly screaming that he is an insensitive, ignorant asshole.
Trousers and Pants – If you would like to make eye contact with your soon to be British father-in-law again sometime in the next 20 years, do not ever ask him to help you find your pants. Unless you would like him to help you search for your underwear. Said no daughter-in-law ever.
Hummer – Running errands one day, I see a Hummer in the Target parking lot. I decide to send my husband a picture of it with the caption “Later” followed by every emoji possible that insinuates sexy-time. Annoyed by his lack of response, I find myself later clarifying what I was planning to do, which completely ruined the moment. As a general rule, if you have to explain a blow job you are either doing it wrong or are 9 years old. Needless to say, “hummer” is now an integral part of my Brit’s new American vocabulary.
Whoopsie Daisy – It was endearing when Hugh Grant first used this phrase with Julia Roberts in the movie Notting Hill. Unfortunately, hearing this phrase, as well as “Oh Dear” and “Oh goodness me” may stop you in your tracks when considering sex with your British husband. At a minimum, you do not EVER want to hear ‘whoopsie daisy’ WHILE having sex with your British husband.
Touch Wood – I believe my husband was trying to superstitiously wish himself luck at the office one day. “Really hope I make this sale… touch wood,” he winks. I later discovered that “touch wood” in his country means “knock on wood” in the US. I have since explained to him that he should NEVER touch his own wood at work.
I am certain this list will help millions of world travelers out there. If nothing else, I have done a service for male British readers who will never again miss an opportunity for oral sex.
Julie Scagell – I am new to the writing game. I am a working mom of 3 kids and find humor everything. You can find me on Facebook: Another Mother Blog