Apparently when little boys move away from home they still want to have a mom. Except now they want to be able to hump her in the kitchen while she makes them meatloaf.
You think I made this up? No.
I can’t imagine what Freud would have to say about this news story out of Vermont: UVM Students Seek House MILF.
I can kind of picture how this came about. The lads were sitting around having the first ever beer they didn’t have to steal from Dad’s fridge bemoaning the fact that they are ten weenies living with no bun. How sad really… it must be terrible having to fend for yourself.
So the boys decide they want a lady (over 25—but not too far over, I imagine) to cook for them. In payment for her work in the kitchen, they would be sexually available to her. Wow… what a great deal! They must have had to go through a bazillion resumes.
The sad truth is it’s very unlikely they would get a whole lot of interest from women in their target demographic. As a public service to the boys, I’m going to explain why.
Boys, here is why you won’t get a house MILF:
1. If a woman wants ten guys in a weekend, she doesn’t usually need to cook for them. In fact, she can have dinner bought for her and none of you have enough money for such gestures.
2. Although you may admire your own incredible youth and virility, those of us who know better, will usually aim a little higher. At your age, you don’t actually have that much going on of interest. Maybe try not speaking. That would be sexy, baby.
3. Many of the ladies who have the luxury of shopping around for a boink don’t want to do it in your nasty college dorm room—the domain of the young and unhygienic. Ladies of substance prefer hotels and cabanas on the beach. Maybe if you serve us a drink in your thong? That might be OK.
4. Cooking for a bunch of unappreciative young people is likely the last thing a woman wants to do. Maybe that’s the scenario she just left. Just a thought for you, Spanky.
5. And the final reason you’re unlikely get a MILF is this: a man of experience is more sexy. The number one downside named by cougars who shop in your age group is that you aren’t grateful enough. If you are under 23 and lucky enough to have a cougar catch your scent and call you lunch, be enthusiastic.
I think posting the ad for your dream lady is pretty funny. Aren’t you cute? Enjoy your college years lads, you’ll never be so sure of yourselves again. Oh, and try not being douches.
P.S. no large cats or young fools were hurt in the making of this blog post.
(This post originally ran on Magnolia Ripkin’s Advice Site)