I didn’t ‘get’ the whole cougar thing when I was in my twenties. Why did these old women want these young guys? I was dating them – I knew what they were offering up, and I’ll tell you, it wasn’t all that impressive. It was a lot of grunting and groaning, and me explaining “no – my mouth doesn’t automatically open when you push my head down… “
When the deed was done, they’d roll over like a dead dog. There was no post coitus cuddling – just a condom dump and a cold glass of water. “Wow, that was great babe” would be on my Monday morning “he cares” high light reel.
Then, when I was 32, I dated a guy who was 23. This was nearing Cougar status. (The calculation, if you don’t know, is half your age, +7)
He was rich. He had a great condo, drove a hot car, and was cute. Trouble with him was that he kept talking about his studies in University, his articling position at a firm where his dad was a partner (yup – eye roll), and was a relentless snob.
I didn’t get down with him because I just couldn’t stand to listen to him. No thanks. I was in my thirties and I needed the whole package to get turned on – looks, money, and a good personality. Nope, I still didn’t ‘get’ the cougar thing.
I’m now 40.
This is a whole new ball game my friends.
It’s like I’ve been given the libido of an 18 year old boy.
I find myself driving slowly around construction zones and checking out sweaty chests. I have tingles down below when the landscaping workers are mowing my lawn. The men I once thought of as young, shallow, and immature, now represent vigour, sweat, and want.
I look at young men – who are simple and eager to please – with my vagina in mind.
They may not have an apartment of their own yet, but I can pretty much guarantee that they don’t have baggage.
Their girlfriends want more – I don’t.
I have my own great house. I drive my own hot car. I can buy my own drinks.
I don’t care if he is a snob – in all truth, I don’t care to listen to anything at all. I’d prefer if he didn’t speak.
I don’t want to cuddle. Kissing? Optional. Names – not necessary.
I’m 40. I’m busy. I want him to be eager and I’ll be efficient.
I think that I can safely say that I now `get’ it.
Don`t worry – I haven’t gotten completely out of control. My mouth still doesn’t open when my head is pushed down –
but maybe theirs will.