I didn’t ‘get’ the whole cougar thing when I was in my twenties.  Why did these old women want these young guys? I was dating them – I knew what they were offering up, and I’ll tell you, it wasn’t all that impressive. It was a lot of grunting and groaning, and me explaining “no – my mouth doesn’t automatically open when you push my head down… “

When the deed was done, they’d roll over like a dead dog. There was no post coitus cuddling – just a condom dump and a cold glass of water.  “Wow, that was great babe” would be on my Monday morning “he cares” high light reel.

Then, when I was 32, I dated a guy who was 23. This was nearing Cougar status. (The calculation, if you don’t know, is half your age, +7)

He was rich. He had a great condo, drove a hot car, and was cute.  Trouble with him was that he kept talking about his studies in University, his articling position at a firm where his dad was a partner (yup – eye roll), and was a relentless snob.

I didn’t get down with him because I just couldn’t stand to listen to him.  No thanks.  I was in my thirties and I needed the whole package to get turned on – looks, money, and a good personality. Nope,  I still didn’t ‘get’ the cougar thing.

I’m now 40.

This is a whole new ball game my friends.

It’s like I’ve been given the libido of an 18 year old boy.

I find myself driving slowly around construction zones and checking out sweaty chests. I have tingles down below when the landscaping workers are mowing my lawn.  The men I once thought of as young, shallow, and immature, now represent vigour, sweat, and want.

I look at young men – who are simple and eager to please – with my vagina in mind.

They may not have an apartment of their own yet, but I can pretty much guarantee that they don’t have baggage.

Their girlfriends want more  –  I don’t.

I have my own great house. I drive my own hot car.  I can buy my own drinks.

I don’t care if he is a snob – in all truth, I don’t care to listen to anything at all.  I’d prefer if he didn’t speak.

I don’t want to cuddle. Kissing? Optional.
Names – not necessary.

I’m 40. I’m busy.  I want him to be eager and I’ll be efficient.

I think that I can safely say that I now `get’ it.

Don`t worry – I haven’t gotten completely out of control. My mouth still doesn’t open when my head is pushed down –

but maybe theirs will.


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  1. In my real life I come into contact with a lot of very fit and manly young men. One would think the close quarters exposure would rev up the old engine. In reality they make me feel tired, especially when the speak words. Really they shouldn’t get vocal cords until after age 30. So nice to look at, so not interesting.

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