Dear Blue Bear,
Two nights ago, your five-year-old friend, Drew, who has been your faithful companion of ohh, FIVE years now, told you to Shut Up. I know this because his twin brother, Zach, came down after bedtime to tattle on him. (He called it being a “good reporter,” NOT a tattler. For the record). I am sure this incident must’ve hurt your feelings. How do I know it hurt your feelings? Because, Blue Bear, you son of a blue bitch, you have decided to disappear! Since yesterday! The “morning after” this “Shut Up Incident” occurred! I know you’re pissed off, Blue Bear, and you’re trying to make some sort of a point, but I’ve gotta be honest. I’m losing my patience. I was up with Zach, who was puking from a stomach bug ALL NIGHT LAST NIGHT. Drew is probably going to be the next puke victim, and he’s going to need you! My husband is about to go on a trip and leave me alone with the boys – three REAL LIVE ACTUAL ANIMALS – and I don’t have time for your shit, Blue Bear. I’ve been looking for you for TWO DAYS. I have gone through trash cans, Blue Bear. I have turned over every single couch pillow in this house. I have army crawled under beds, fighting dust bunnies, and I have SERIOUS allergy issues, Blue Bear! I have looked in every single toy bin in this house, every closet, every trash can! Don’t be a dick, ok? Just this once? Do you remember when I found you hiding in the dining room hutch drawer that no one ever uses? How about the time I found you behind the floor fan in the twins’ room, the one that’s so pressed up against the wall, no one in their right mind would ever think a diabolical little asshole bear would ever find his way into that space? And the time we had to have you shipped back from Disney World? Admit it – you just wanted ONE MORE DAY to jack around in the Magic Kingdom! We ALL DID, you selfish bastard! As if the letdown from coming back from Disney weren’t enough, poor Drew had to go into Blue Bear Withdrawals for DAYS while you took your sweet ass time getting back here!
I am BEGGING you, ok? Drew is crying. He is drying his tears with a plush Minecraft SHEEP at night!! He KILLS Minecraft sheep all day long when he’s playing Minecraft! Do you have any idea what it does to a kid’s psyche when he’s SLEEPING with the very thing he’s killing for food and supplies in his Minecraft world? (Me either, but it’s probably not good).
Bottom line, Blue Bear. You better come back out from whatever TAMPON BOX you’re hiding behind, you little bitch, or DON’T COME BACK AT ALL!
Sincerely, Your Loving Surrogate Mommy
P.S. I didn’t mean that last part about you not coming back.
P.P.S. But I did mean the part about you being a bitch, you little vengeful, possessed CHUCKY BEAR!!!! Come back so I can kick your ass!
**One day later.**
I would like to inform all of those who sent their concerns, shared their conspiracy theories, and donated reward money, that the prodigal pain in the ass, Drew’s Blue Bear, has returned. He was found by my husband, cowering upstairs in the guest room dresser, at approximately 10:30 a.m. EDT.
We may never know where he REALLY has been for the last two days, but we are begging anyone who has information to come forward. Just in case we need to get him a rabies shot or have him treated for venereal disease. Despite reeking of cigarette smoke, holding a paw full of little blue pills, sporting some lipstick impressions, and nursing what he termed “a real bear of a hangover,” he seems to be intact and relieved to be home again. Drew promised to never tell Blue Bear to shut up ever again, and Blue Bear was so touched that he was rendered speechless.
Either that, or he was just being a dick.
(This post originally ran on Big Top Family)
About the author: Ashley Allen is a multi-task-dysfunctional mom of three boys, including a set of twins, and a survivor of an extremely weird childhood. She writes a circusy, irreverent humor blog at http://www.bigtopfamily.com about her childhood and adulthood, and how the bridge between them is not as long as you might think.