Dear Mother-in-law

Dear Mother-in-Law,

I like you. I really do. But there are a few things that I think you should know.

I’m happy your dog died. Not only because it bit my face and then you gave it a cookie but because we’d stopped visiting since you refused to lock the dog up. I know that canine depression is real to you but it’s not more important than the safety of your grandkids.

Your Son’s divorce was not my fault. I’m glad that you no longer blame me for the break-up of his first marriage. Thanks for telling me that ten years after we’d been together. I mean, I was only three when he got married and didn’t meet him for another five years after he was divorced but revelations like that can take a while to figure out.

I’m married. To your son. Happened before the kids came along. Oops, did we forget to mention that?

Kids cry. My kids are really happy and well adjusted but they cry sometimes. No, I didn’t pinch them, nor will I give them everything they want all the time. That’s what grandparents are for, exercise your rights.

Enough with all the Ex-pictures. I know that you talk to her every.single.day and that you wish that they were still together but after 10 years, I’m here to stay. Would you like just one picture of me?

Stop buying me things. We don’t have the same sense of style and I feel like crap when I tell you “No”. I’ve seen pictures. I know that you had style when you were a young lass. Keyword… had. And, I can pick out my own underwear thanks. If you’re asking, I’d rather you sock the money away and leave your son cash when you kick it.

Other than that, you’re not that bad.

Signed,

Your Not-Living in Sin Daughter-in-Law