I don’t know about you, but every time I step onto a playground I am confronted by the Mommy wars. A lethal combination of judgmental moms and gross parental incompetence. It gets nasty in the Mother’hood.
Just today I’m letting little Susie play in the sandbox and another mom calls me a blind whore when I fail to notice Susie shoving handfuls of sand into her mouth. I clean my kid up with a wet wipe and then I slap that mom like the bitch that she is. As I turn to high five the gal sitting next to me, the twatwad grabs my ponytail, pulls me down into the sandbox and starts throwing punches like she’s mother-effing Mohammed Ali.
After a few minutes of tangled arm-wrestling, I pull my shiv bobby pin from my now flying hair and rear my arm back so I can shank this ho, when I accidentally scratch my little Susie who is still sitting in the sandbox and watching all of this go down. She starts screaming like a banshee, her high pitched squeals cutting through the sound of lady grunts and landed punches.
Frantic, I shove my shiv clip back in my hair and crawl over to little Susie. The other mom stops herself mid-bite of my leg, jumping up to grab some anti-bac from her nearby diaper bag. Together we settle down little Susie and then she holds out her arms and pulls me into a giant hug, rubbing her hand up and down my back as I sob on her shoulder. I look up to say thanks and our eyes meet and then we start making out and the two dads on the playground start cheering and egging us on. Then we all go out and buy some baby formula and go home and have a playgroup orgy.
Rrriiiiiiggggghhhhhhtttttttt…….
I can barely write this farce of mother’hood, more or less take it even remotely serious. It might seem like an episode of OITNB: playground edition, but it really isn’t that far off from that dumbass Similac “The Mother’hood” viral parody video ad that everyone is declaring the huggy feely ad of the year.
Here’s the thing about parody videos. The good ones either make you laugh out loud by their outlandishness or nod your head, immediately recognizing aspects of your own life. This one does neither. I keep trying to imagine the creative brainstorming session that led to this horkfest, and all I can see is a bunch of men sitting around a room going, “Ohhh, mommy wars. People are always talking about Mommy Wars. And West Side Story. Let’s cast a woman who’s named Maria. Now if we save the baby and everyone hugs, they’ll all run right out and buy a bunch of baby formula.”
The worst part, the thing that is burning a hole in my gut, is us stupid women. Why are we sharing this?!? Why are we watching this video and saying, “omg, yes! I totally judge everyone who isn’t just like me every time I leave the house, and the only thing that makes me stop is the risk of death or dismemberment of my child. Lesson learned! Thanks Similac! Let me share this with everyone I know.”
What the ever-loving fuck?
Look, I’m all for sitting around in a kumbaya circle and braiding one another’s hair. I’m in total agreement that we need to be more accepting. BUT (and this is a Kardashian giant sized but) I really, really, REALLY resent the implication that nothing short of me or another person risking our children’s lives is going to make us get there.
We are smart people. Responsible people. Mostly, we are real people. We’ve judged. We’ve been judged. More times than not, we’ve offered out an arm to shelter someone else, to pull them up from their sleep-deprived desperation or to shield them from anyone who tries to bring them down. And we do this, time and time again, without anyone ever needing to ask.
So how about we make a new video about the mother’hood?