mothers guiltI am not one of those people that talk about living with no regrets.

Oh, I have regrets, probably about 6 thousand of them.  And 3 of them are from today.  One was so shocking to me, that I am not even going to tell you about it.  And, I feel guilty about it.

But, I feel guilty about every thing. I don’t remember ever feeling this way before having children.

It’s like this almighty switch just went off and changed how I feel.

I have heard people refer to it as Mother’s Guilt. So, for a lack of a better term, that is what I call it.

But, I am not really sure if that is what it is.  Maybe it something more.

I have talked to a few friends about it and no one else seems to really “get” how I feel.

I try to explain it, but it feels unexplainable to me.

I feel guilty for showering.

I feel guilty for talking on the phone.

I feel guilty for writing this.

I feel guilty for sleeping.

It’s hard for me to explain. It’s like an empty aching hole in my chest, but its also sort of heavy and it travels to my brain and makes me wince a bit.

I feel it a lot and I hate it. I wonder if its ever going to go away.

That now that I have children, I am forever changed.

And not for the better.

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2 Comments

  1. Guilt around our children has the unique ability to reach into our chests and stop our heart and lungs in a fast hard icy grip.

    My parents gave me much to work on in terms of forgiving them, and I am willing to bet they never really felt much guilt. The fact that you feel guilt, and so deeply, means your children can trust your love, and forgive you for needing a few minutes of shower or phone time.

    It will go away, time is very very helpful.

  2. guilty as charged Reply

    I had a therapist tell me once that my guilt started in the womb.

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