I’ll start by saying that I could have jumped for joy when fashion trends started to move away from low-rise bottoms. For years, finding a pair of pants that didn’t expose 70% of my butt crack was nearly impossible. I have a large build and I’m very tall. A larger than average body means a larger than average ass, and that jelly doesn’t fit into pants with a butt the size of a teacup.
In the mid-90’s Alexander McQueen said, “I know! Let’s cut the top six inches off of these pants!“ Not surprisingly, designers everywhere followed his lead, even though his latest creation was completely un-wearable. Not only were the rises low, but the thighs were slim. For me, this meant that for over a decade I couldn’t find a pair of pants that fit.
The iconic “Bumster.” Thanks Alex, RIP.
Then things started to change. Pants started fitting again. More and more jeans were available in mid-rise silhouettes (Bless you, Joe’s Jeans.) I’m insanely long-waisted (and long butted? Is that a thing?). At that time, even mid-rise jeans could be a little scandalous, but at least I could find a few pairs that fit.
Those were my denim glory days.
They ended.
The rise of the rising rises kept rising. Waistbands passed the bellybutton first, and they kept going. They’re currently up to the ribcage, and the only thing I can see that will stop them is, well…armpits. That is, unless the next big thing is a waist so high that it needs armholes.
Whoopsie! Overalls. They’re already “in”.
The difference between low-rise and high-rise waists is that low-rise waists actually look okay on a small percentage of the population, especially if those people aren’t sitting down and/or wearing thong underwear. I’m still on the fence about full length, high-rise pants. At least the proportions work. But the shorts? I’ll say it loud and clear:
High waisted shorts are universally unflattering. They look awful on everyone.
This isn’t a judgment I’m just passing, willy nilly, without doing my research. I live in a town that is bursting with hipsters. I’ve been horrified at the proliferation of ugly shorts for some time now, but it was a recent trip to a popular restaurant/bar that finally inspired me to write the following public service announcement:
“Stop wearing high-waisted shorts! You look like a fucking idiot.” Mom Shorts aren’t ironic. They’re just as ugly on you as they were on your mom.
Case in point: Miley Cyrus. I’d rather bag on Taylor Swift than Miley, because she drives me fucking bonkers (“Band-Aids don’t fix bullet holes”? Who wrote that?), but Miley wears bad shorts more often and there are more pictures of them on the internet.
Confidential to Miley Cyrus: I’m sorry. I did a whole bunch of fucked up shit when I was in my late teens/early twenties, and I’m really, really glad no one was there to photo-document every moment of it. Rock on with your bad self.
Miley is young and rich and I am certain that, even if she (what?!) read this, she would think, “Who is this lady? I give no shits about a fashion critique from a 36 year old mom who wears mostly maxi skirts and Birkenstocks. Chef? Where’s my LSD and kale smoothie?”
Anyway, this image is splattered all over the web in articles that celebrate her style. All I can think when I see this is, “Somebody needs to feed Miley’s vagina, because it’s fucking HUNGRY.”
Wait, that’s Taylor Swift’s ravenous vagina. I couldn’t help myself. It was so hungry for denim that she couldn’t feed it on her own. She needed some suspenders to help her out.
Anywho, here’s a photo of Miley looking like an idiot in high waisted shorts:
Thanks, Mi. I didn’t have the heart to take surreptitious photos of local citizens humiliating themselves. I tried it once, and it made me feel icky. You’ll do just fine.
Google “Mom Shorts,” and you’ll see what I mean. This is just one pair of horrible shorts among thousands:
I’m only showing you these, from American Apparel, because they are sold out. Yes, you read that correctly. So many people bought these that they SOLD OUT IN EVERY SIZE. It’s a crime against humanity.
Is somebody playing a trick on me?
I will weather this storm with maxi skirts and leggings, and I will laugh my way through it because I like to people watch. High-waisted bottoms, shorts in particular, are a train wreck that I can’t look away from. It’s summer. Everybody’s wearing high-rise shorts because they’re trendy, and everyone looks completely ridiculous. I’m convinced that it’s media brainwashing. That’s the only explanation for why people who clearly care about how they look choose to look, uh…really bad. However, there is a silver lining to this fashion debacle.
It’s people-watching gold.
Normally, I don’t pass judgement on other people’s fashion choices. In general, I figure that if you like something, and it makes you feel good, you should rock it like it’s awesome.
High-waisted shorts, especially the super trendy, super short ones, are an exception, and I’ll tell you why.
In the aforementioned hipster watching session, not as single woman (tall short, thick or thin) was rocking them like they were awesome. Everyone I saw was hitching, tugging, and adjusting. Even Miley, up there, is tugging on her shorts. Maybe I’m wrong, but when I constantly fidget with something I’m wearing, it’s because I’m self conscious and miserable. Wearing something only because it’s trendy, when it clearly makes the wearer uncomfortable, baffles me.
Homegirl, get some shorts that fit. Then rock those fuckers.
Are high-waisted shorts actually cool? Am I missing something? Am I just old? Can someone please tell me what is desirable about pulling your pants up to your armpits?
(This post originally ran on Modest Mess.)
About the author: Megan Premo is a wife, ex-wife, mother, basket-case and writer (not necessarily in that order). She swears excessively and unapologetically, even though it embarrasses her family. When she’s not shopping for deals on boxed wine, she’s avoiding her laundry, working on two perpetually unfinished novels, and blogging at Modestmess.com. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.