You know those quote picture that make you feel good about everything you’re going to accomplish for the day? The ones that tell you everything is going to be alright? You aren’t going to find those here.

My bestie Aneta inspired me with her collection of motivational quotes she actually needs. I decided to do a few of my own that are representative of my real life.

“Everything you want is on the other side of your mattress (it’s where all the hair ties go).”

Whenever I need to find something, I start by looking between my mattress and the wall. It’s basically a black hole. I found hair ties and bobbie pins – but not my dignity. I guess I will keep looking. Amelia Earhart’s plane could be in there. Maybe even Jimmy Hoffa (just kidding, please don’t call the cops.)

“Never let anyone dull your sparkle (but if the smoke detector goes off a lot, cooking probably isn’t your gift).”

When I started working from home, my son was excited about how I would be responsible for dinner more often. He knows this means more take out and not fancy dinners from well loved cookbooks.

“Good things come to those who wait (and it’s cheaper than express shipping).”

I don’t excel at waiting, but if you online shop tired, you can forget you ordered anything at all and be surprised when it shows up. Or like when I tried to order a stand mixer when I was too sleepy, be surprised when it doesn’t show up, because you didn’t check out all the way.

“If at first you don’t succeed, just clean off the super obvious parts of the house (and go for ice cream).”

My cleaning hack is to sit where your guests will sit and just clean the things that are within line of sight. This is especially important in the bathroom, because you would be surprised by how many baseboards you can actually see from the toilet.

“Home is where the Pinterest fails are. (Buy store-bought, whatever.)”

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been personally victimized by an “Easy DIY” that was anything but easy to execute. I am a Pinterest fail mom and I’m over it. So is my family.

They say motivation is like bathing, which is why they recommend it daily. I don’t know who “they” are but they probably don’t have as much competition for the bathroom and they clearly don’t realize how awesome dry shampoo is. I don’t need a motivational quote to tell me everything’s going to be alright, but it certainly helps to have some that remind me that I’m not the only hot mess mom on the block. At the end of the day, I might not know where my mind went, but I have a pretty good idea where my hair ties went. Now, for some ice cream, because fuck it!


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