Believe me, I wish it had been Fuck.
We were standing in the bathroom, in front of the mirror and she was complaining about how this particular pair of pants didn’t go with her outfit. I casually suggested another pair and she said “no, those make my butt look FAT”. GULP. Panic. Shortness of breath. Time froze as my mind raced on how to handle this moment—a moment I had been dreading, anticipating, not really preparing for because I was in denial, hoping it would never come. Now, at the tender age of 13, she used the word.
I tend to describe myself as someone who has struggled with her weight her entire life, but at a petite 120 lbs I can’t really say that’s true. What I have struggled with is body image. They say your body image develops during adolescence and seeing as I haven’t really grown since 5th grade, I was considered a “big girl”…and that’s how I see myself. I am very critical of my every physical flaw. I can’t say that my mother is solely to blame, but she herself is tiny and does (still) comment on most everything that passes my lips. You’re eating all that?? That’s enough to feed a third world country! When I became the mother, I vowed to be different and I knew that I needed to curb the comments, complaints and criticisms about myself—and I’ve tried…
So when my dear daughter uttered that blasphemous word, my first instinct was to say “You’re not fat! Who said you were fat?? What makes you think you’re fat??” but I refrained. Instead I said “you don’t like those pants? Hmmm…” She replied, “no, the pockets don’t lay right on my butt” (whew! it’s the pockets! Not her body image! Maybe?)
I am still flummoxed. How does a woman with a negative body image raise a daughter with a positive one? The best answer is to fix my own body image first—but I’m not sure how. I’m starting by telling myself I’m damn lucky not to look worse than I do, because then I’d be that much worse off—but that doesn’t really address the problem, as it still focuses on appearance. As someone who is slightly obsessed with movies and movie stars and frequently comments on their looks (especially on the red carpet), I knew that was something I needed to stop. Now I focus more on their talent—and how hard they’ve worked in the business to be successful.
With so much media attention on childhood obesity recently, it’s hard not to be concerned about it, but the flip side is eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia. Which to choose, which to choose? Do we really have to choose one? Isn’t it MOST important that young girls feel good about themselves? With my daughter, I try to stay focused on the important stuff—like kindness, creativity, hard work, sense of humor and both physical and mental health—sometimes that includes her appearance, like when she’s put a new outfit together, or worked hard on a new hair braid—but that’s really more about the effort than looks. And although I have not completely gotten over my every flaw, my daughter has unknowingly given me the gift of embracing my body as it is—because that’s the gift I want to give to her. If it means celebrating my stretch marks, saddle bags, jiggly belly so that she will celebrate hers, then the party’s on, dammit!
About the author: Meredith Dorsey is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who is also the peri-menopausal mom of a premenstrual teen. Her husband is a trooper.