My husband is having an affair…with 375 people. 

It came as a surprise to me because I am a pretty good catch.  I am attractive, well educated, relatively well traveled. I’m a good cook and usually extremely thoughtful and attentive. More importantly, I can make him laugh and cum rather easily.

But all of these things are not enough because I am having to outperform all 375 of my competition at the same time. So what chance does my sense of humor have against 200+ other interesting people posting photos and funny memes?

How can my ‘honey I just read this interesting article I’d love to show you’ fair against 37 simultaneous conversations and likes on a host of different topics? One on one, I know he will always pick me. Trouble is, it’s never one on one. He has an entire entourage ready to high five him and interest him at the swish of his hand. They are there to flatter and compliment and avoid the messiness of real life. This is not a fair fight.

Some of you may think I haven’t tried hard enough. But I assure you I have. It’s just that the rejection becomes too much.  When I can’t score a cursory glance despite shimmying across the bedroom in Risky Business fashion with my fanny all trussed up in lace…What’s a wife to do? So self preservation –or as I like to call it cocktail hour (and the only cock I am getting)– kicks in. 

Who introduces all these people to him? His Madame of course. She is expensive, sleek and always available. She knows just what he wants and gives it to him on command. I tried to ignore her for a while but the day he brought her into our bed, I had to concede defeat. First thing in the morning, last thing at night, it is her he gazes upon, her he strokes gently and, in exchange, she gives him access to constant, undemanding attention. And I just can’t compete with that.

Or so I thought – but I am a fighter. I also own a pair of phone-shattering stilettos buried at the back of a closet and ready to be dusted off. Time to throw down the gauntlet and say it’s them or me. Maybe cold and sleek is enough for some but I need more than a blue thumbs-up to keep me satisfied.  I am realistic. You can’t wean a man off that much attention over night. He can have his madame during his lunch break if he must but if she shows her bright perky face in our bedroom again, she’ll be getting a stiletto in the head, and I’ll be seeking a hot embrace somewhere else.



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