You might not have heard of the new trend called Narcoleptic Yoga. I don’t think it is widely publicized, in fact, my yoga instructor today had never heard of it. That’s ok, I practice it during each of my sessions (and had an especially wondrous session today) and I’m happy to provide a full tutorial here. Please note: this practice is best done during Yin yoga, which allows you to hold your yoga positions for anywhere from 3-5 minutes.
Narcoleptic yoga:
- Slowly get into the first position the instructor says
- Relax and focus on your breath – in, out, in out…nice
- Remember you forgot to turn the crockpot on and gently guide your mind back to the present, your body and your breath
- Allow your head, neck and mouth to relax and it is best to allow your mouth to fall open slightly
- Deepen your breaths. Deeper, deeeeper, deeeeeeeper. Good
- Decide to check out completely and begin the descent into slumber
- Allow the air to tickle the back of your throat as you inhale, resulting in a gentle closing of the airway that sounds like harmonious vocal vibrations
- Awake quickly, realizing you just fell asleep and …snored
- Allow the embarrassment to wash away as you breathe, deeper, deeeeeper
- Fall into an amazingly deep sleep (which you later feel pissy about, because why can’t that ever happen when you get into bed at night, or once you’ve woken to pee at 3am?) that allows you to practice the gentle closing of the airway and harmonious vocal vibrations
- Allow yourself one enormous deep breath, which will create a very loud vocal vibration, startling you (and the people on either side of you)
- Cough loudly in the hopes no one noticed you fell asleep and began snoring
It’s best to practice this form of yoga during each and every Yin Yoga position. This will ensure you never have to make awkward small talk with classmates before or after class because, you’re now “that woman.”
While this may sound embarrassing, this form of yoga is more restful and less mortifying than Vaporous Yoga, which requires more personal humiliation and much louder coughs.
Namaste.
(This post originally appeared on Tipsy Tiaras)
About the author: Heather LeRoss is the mom to two smelly but sweet boys. She spends her days spinning in circles of crazy wearing a tiara, gripping a glass of champagne. She’s a lover of fine boxed wine and chocolate. Follow the funny with her at Facebook or on her blog at Tipsy Tiaras. She’s been featured before on BluntMoms plus, Scary Mommy, Dr. Psych Mom and more and hopes to someday be known as “Heather” again and not “those boys’ mom”.
