‘How are you finding motherhood,’ people would ask me shortly after the arrival of my first baby.
‘So great,’ I lied, fighting back the tears. ‘Best thing ever.’
The truth is, I felt like crap.
But I had seen the smiling new mums on Facebook holding tiny babies in their arms. I had read the glossy parenting magazines. I knew how I should be feeling. I should be glowing with happiness at the arrival of a beautiful, healthy child. So why wasn’t I?
When we had visitors, I reluctantly showered and dressed, put on my make up and pretended to be loving this mothering stuff.
I gave everyone what they expected. I shouldn’t have done.
By not being honest I was only helping to reinforce the lie that new baby equals instant joy. The very lie that had made me feel terrible in the first place.
I should have told the truth. “I have STITCHES. I am bleeding. I am sore. I am uncomfortable. I am exhausted. My baby will not let me put her down. She sometimes cries and I have no idea why. I have sick in my hair. I need a shower. I need some sleep. How can it even be legal to look after a tiny baby on NO bloody sleep?
“I am not cut out for this. I am terrified. Quite frankly, motherhood is a bit of a dick.”
Life with a newborn was not the joyful experience I had expected. I was anxious, tired and even when my baby did actually sleep, I couldn’t sleep. I cried a lot and I felt a huge sense of panic. If this didn’t work out, there was no going back to my old life. This was IT. Forever. And so far this– was so hard.
I was ashamed. I felt guilty. I had a healthy, happy baby. Why wasn’t I skipping around the house like Mary Poppins?
I used to be organised and confident. Now I was drowning in mess and chaos and constantly doubting myself. I felt as thought I was swimming against the tide trying desperately to keep my head above water.
I hated myself for wasting this precious time with my young baby. Time I would not get back. Days passed, then weeks, then months. I wished that I could press pause. I needed time to breathe and hear my own thoughts. To get my head around this parenting gig then press play and start again. I was a mother now, I was meant to be cherishing the hell out of all of this.
The thing is, I may have been a new mother but I was also a human.
Take the baby out of the equation.
You are a normal human person who has come out of hospital after a major procedure. You are exhausted and in a lot of pain.
You are also dealing with a MAJOR change in your life. You have started a new job. A job you have NO experience in. A demanding job which requires you to work 24 hour shifts with NO breaks. Finally, despite the fact you are mainly covered in vomit and deprived of sleep – you must be happy.
You are dealing with emotions you have never experienced before. You are tired, raw and overwhelmed by love, fear, guilt and loss.
Heavy stuff! But hey, SMILE for the camera!
Would you feel like smiling?
Bringing a child into the world for the first time is massive. Nothing will ever be the same again. It is physically and emotionally draining. Feeling happy, sad, scared or anxious are all perfectly acceptable human reactions to such a huge event. We are all different. There is no normal way to feel.
If you feel a bit crap, that is ok.
If you think ‘what the hell have I done?’ that is ok.
If you cannot stop smiling with joy that is ok.
Be yourself. Be human.
It has been four years since I became a new mum and for me, those moments to cherish? The best ones came a little later. When my daughter started to smile, kiss me or reach up for a cuddle. When she said ‘love you,’ and put her tiny hand in mine for the first time.
Once I stopped worrying about how I should feel or how I should be, I found my own way. I found the joy.
I love motherhood. It’s tiring, often frustrating but I can now say in all honesty, it really is the best thing ever.
(This post originally ran on How to Survive a Sleep Thief.)
About the author: Emily-Jane Clark is a freelance journalist, writer and the creator of How To Survive A Sleep Thief – a humorous antithesis to baby sleep advice. She is also currently writing a book (with two toddlers, good luck with that). She hasn’t slept in four years so she is only to be approached if you are armed with coffee or wine or both. You can also find her on FACEBOOK and @stolensleep.