Anyone who’s met a two-year old knows that they go through a rock-star phase: they become rude, loud, demanding, and frequently trash hotel rooms. But in this case, the “terrible twos” doesn’t refer to the time my toddler kicked the living tar out of a display case in Target because I refused to buy her a YooHoo. The “terrible twos” acknowledges a special type of behavior adapted by a toddler who has just received the most traumatic present of all: a newborn sibling.
Taking care of a newborn is a hard business. People love to pass on ever-so-helpful advice on surviving those first few months. Here’s why the “terrible twos” make all that advice utterly useless:
1.) Make sure your newborn gets special time with you.
Recently, I settled down on the couch to watch the “Law & Order” Mother’s Day marathon (because nothing gives me a case of the warm fuzzies like multiple episodes involving murdered moms). My newborn was on my lap. Along came my toddler, who also wanted to sit with Mommy. I pulled her into my lap too, and the three of us happily watched an episode involving an addict who killed his mother for drug money, until my toddler began shifting and shimmying her way across my lap, pushing the baby off. If it weren’t for my lightning-quick reflexes, baby would’ve hit the floor (although, to be fair, our couch is surrounded by more throw pillows than a Bed Bath & Beyond).
This is when I learned that “special” time often means “separate” time.
2.) Sleep when the baby sleeps.
Unless you also have a toddler. Who uses the baby’s snoozefests to time her requests for lunch/Mickey Mouse/ playground visits, or a dance party to the soundtrack to “Frozen.” I do not want to build a snowman; I want to sleep.
3.) Enjoy Every Moment.
So I was trying to do laundry, and had the baby in the Bjorn, when my toddler refused to go to the laundry room with me. No amount of cajoling, bribery, or empty threats would budge her from our doorway. She thrashed around so loudly she woke the baby, so then I had a screaming baby strapped to my abdomen, and a shrieking, flailing toddler under my arm. Then the baby got so worked up she puked, which would’ve be okay had she not been STRAPPED TO ME, and it pooled in the harness before spilling all over the LAUNDRY I JUST CLEANED, and…
Is it okay if I don’t enjoy this moment? Please?
4.) Get the baby on a schedule.
I presented the baby with a Google calendar of her daily activities. Baby responded by pooping during “nap time.” Toddler responded by deleting my Google calendar.
5.) You can never spoil a baby.
But you can spoil a toddler to keep her from insane jealous rages now that a newborn has come into the picture. Which is why Her Royal Toddler Highness made me turn off “Law & Order” to watch “Daniel Tiger” and requesting drinking water from a cup that had exactly five ice cubes, accompanied by a plateful of teddy grahams, each of which had to have all their limbs.
6.) Nursing will help you lose the baby weight.
While nursing will burn at least as many calories as consuming HydroxyCut, it doesn’t factor in the calories you consume when finishing your toddler’s discarded chicken nuggets.
7.) Take some time for yourself.
Why, just today, I used my ten free minutes to organize baby photos, pack multiple diaper bags, sort baby clothes, change the diaper genie, and run several stuffed animals through the laundry. It feels so good to have this time for myself.
I’m still convinced that my daughters will eventually become best friends. Which will be helpful for that inevitable day when they have to team up to take care of me. Kids, I’d like five ice cubes in my Ovaltine. Thanks
Written by Ali Solomon
Blogger at: Wiggle Room Blog
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