The other day I was skimming through my Facebook feed and among the primarily insignificant updates involving hating work, the weather and life in general I stumbled across one that made me stop. And, for the first time in my Facebook life, I actually had to “unfriend” someone (who from this point forward will be named Dude). Had it been the first ill-mannered post by Dude I might have shrugged it off and convinced myself that I was simply misunderstanding exactly what it was he was trying to get across. Sadly, that was not the case. This message, along with previous ones posted by this ignorant, backwoods buffoon made it shockingly clear what kind of person he truly is.
The remarks were in response to the current “Idle No More” movement. If you don’t know what Idle No More is all about you clearly are not Canadian. If you are Canadian and don’t know what I’m talking about stop reading this right now and go educate yourself. This is important stuff. Whether you support it or not you need to know what the hell is going on.
So, back to the buffoon – evidently Dude has it all figured out! Seriously, he has a solution to all of the issues facing our First Nations population, all of the issues facing our environmental degradation. Are you ready for this? It will freaking blow your mind. Here it is – “The answer is simple. Leave the reserve and get a job.”
Holy shit! Why didn’t anyone think of this before? It’s so deliriously simple, so blazingly obvious and yet an uneducated bumpkin, who clearly has dedicated his life to pondering the complexities of the world, has managed to stumble upon this brilliant plan of action.
I think we should all encourage Dude to climb into his monster truck, drive across the country and personally spread his gospel. The world needs this information and the sooner the better. This will end poverty, end racism, protect the environment and make us all shit rainbows that smell like marshmallows.
This tiny little tidbit of genius will forever change our history. Dude will have a street named after him, history books will forever journal his brilliance, his biography will be an Oprah pick (wait is that even a thing anymore?) and the Simpsons will honor him with a hilarious yet classy parody.
Of course there will be outcry, even lawsuits, from other hillbilly philosophers claiming that they had this idea first. That they, in fact, had it figured out years ago but Dude just swept right in and stole the idea. Sorry folks, whoever “Facebooks” it first wins.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is ground breaking. This is a revolution. We can change the world, one thoughtless, idiotic post/update/tweet at a time.
Screw logic, history, compassion, common sense and human nature. These things have been holding us back for far too long. If a below (and I mean way below) average Joe can figure it over a Pilsner and beef jerky then just imagine what you can come up with over a Merlot and foie gras.
