Most of the time, I am an awesome mom. You can ask anyone: my friends, my family, my ex-husband, even my kids. But sometimes I can be a little sneaky in my parenting. I’m not talking about sneaking vegetables into the brownies; my kids are way too smart for any of that Jessica Seinfeld bullshit. I’m sneaky in that I don’t always practice what I preach parentally. There are days when I feel like we’re Gwyneth Paltrow on the outside, Honey Boo Boo on the inside. These two seemingly contradictory parenting styles may have more in common than you would believe. For example:
I eat fast food
I feed my kids the best food I can find: local, organic, fair trade, free range. We’re a smug Whole Foods kind of family, a home where Colonel Sanders is the anti-Christ. And yet, there are days when I hear the siren call of McDonald’s french fries and I’m powerless. Before I realize what has happened, I’m in the Mickey Dee’s parking lot scarfing down those delicious golden cylinders of salty happiness, spraying Febreeze and wondering where I can hide the cardboard evidence before I pick them up from school. I feel like a closet smoker.
Five second rule, my ass
We all drop food on the floor. We all say “Oops! Five second rule!” and put it back on the plate. My 5 second rule has on occasion been extended to 5 minutes. And in one instance, it was extended to “Well, it didn’t fall in the kitty litter.”
I love sexist hard core rap
I am a feminist raising two boys and I speak with them daily about how important it is to respect women. Women and girls are their equals and deserve to be treated as such. It is NEVER ok to hit a woman or make her feel badly about herself. A beautiful woman is a smart, kind and caring woman, not someone who is only pretty on the outside. But I love hard core rap. I love the aggressive masculinity, the driving beat and uniquely poetic expression of a truly gifted rap artist. When I hear Dr. Dre rap “Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks / Lick on these nuts and suck the dick / Get’s the fuck out after you’re done / And I hops in my ride to make a quick run.” I get a little turned on. Eminem is my total Hate Fuck. However, we all agree that Chris Brown is a douche.
I get Day Drunk
After the kids are picked up & activities are finished for the day, nothing says “Relax. Take yo’ panties off” like an uncorked bottle of Pinot Noir. Dinner is cooked. Kids are bathed and I’m well on my way to catching a sweet buzz. Story time can be slurry some nights, but the kids don’t seem to mind; they think I’m in character.
The X Box is my favourite babysitter
It is the perfect babysitter. It doesn’t show up late, eat all of your food or ignore your children texting its boyfriend all night. I like to think that it builds team work, especially the two player games and also encourages patience during the single player games. Gore is at a minimum right now (no Teen or Mature games are allowed) but they have more fun playing Skylanders together than any papier mache project I’ve given them.
I sometimes forget to put away my vibrator
Midnight. Your 7 year old has had a nightmare & climbed into bed with you for a reassuring cuddle. He insists on turning on the bedside lamp to keep the monsters at bay and discovers your favourite vibrator on the nightstand. And because I’m a sneaky mom, I tell him that I get tired running my own business, preparing breakfast, lunch and dinner for him and his brother, my volunteer work at the school and working out. I need that massager for my sore back and aching shoulder muscles. And no, you can’t use it on your back.
How about you? Are you a Sneaky Mom? You can share your secrets with us…we won’t tell your kids.