Trigger warnings: rape, molestation, illegal abortion.
It was a gray day in 1967 Washington, DC; the warm summer days and bustling streets of Georgetown had surrendered to the blustery winds of November.
They pulled up to the curb in his green Ford clunker, a car he paid for working nights and weekends guarding a construction site from thieves; at 16 he had finally gotten his license. She was two months into 8th grade and her 13th birthday had come and gone without notice. Although they hadn’t been together long, both knew this decision was their only way out. He shifted the car into park and took her hand in his. “It’ll be ok, it won’t take long; just think about summer and the fun we’ll have at the beach.” She squeezed his hand and nodded, there was nothing left to say. “I’ll be waiting right here for you, right here” and with that, he watched her walk into the brown, eight-story office building.
She wouldn’t let him see her cry but broke the minute she stepped through the dingy glass door. By the time the elevator doors opened, she was sobbing so that she could barely see the numbers to press on the panel. She stood outside the suite, composed her shaking body and rattled mind and turned the doorknob to enter.
There was one lamp on. It sat on a cheap brown wooden table littered with expired magazines. “Hello?” she called. “Hello, is anyone here?” her voice and knees trembling. A German man appeared in the hallway and beckoned her silently toward an office. He says nothing as he nods toward a stainless steel table, his eyes stern and cold. “Hurry up” he barks “This must be quick.” His accent terrifies her. Is he even a doctor she wonders? Should she ask for some proof? “Take everything off from the waist down and get up!” he orders.
She reaches deep into her coat pocket and her panic settles as her fingers fumble around her small, stuffed teddy-bear who had seen her through vicious sexual abuse by her father, the death of her grandmother whom she dearly loved, and would now be her strength through this abortion. She clutches him tightly, making certain the man who was now tossing cold steel instruments onto a tray didn’t catch a glimpse of her tattered bear for he would have taken it from her, of that she was sure.
Now undressed, she climbs onto the table and braces for the nightmare she has vividly imagined over the last 6 weeks. Now, it’s happening. It’s so much worse than she imagined. He instructs her to slide down and guides her ankles into the stirrups. He pulls up his stool and pushes her knees further open. “This will be painful. Do NOT move. Do not move at all, do you understand? One wrong move, one jump, and things could go very wrong. Don’t move.”
She closes her eyes. She clutches her bear tighter, her hand hanging down off the table out of his sight. She stares at the ceiling and thinks back to that night she and the boy were together. It wasn’t their first time but they were both far from experienced and in the heat of young passion, pregnancy was the last thing they thought of. She really didn’t even like it; it hurt and was over so quickly. What was the point, she thought as she tried to lose herself in the fluorescent light glaring down at her from the ceiling. They must have been doing it wrong because for the life of her, she couldn’t figure out why everyone wanted sex.
She just wanted someone to love her.
She was slammed into reality by the stabbing pain in her abdomen. He was using a knife, it had to be a very sharp knife. The pain brought to mind her father’s brutal attacks. They too had been unbearably painful but nothing compared to this. Her mind was racing. DO NOT MOVE. ONE WRONG MOVE AND THINGS COULD GO VERY WRONG. She couldn’t cry out – it would come straight from her gut, primal and loud; the bellowing would cause her to quake.
She traced the outline of her small bear’s eyes and nose with her index finger, absorbing strength from his fuzzy face. She knew from her Catholic upbringing she was at the gates of Hell and could see Lucifer laughing at her. “That’s what you get, little one! Giving into temptation like the slut you are!” he chuckled through the flames.
She felt the warm, pulsing blood leaving her 110 lb. body in a steady flow. She felt her womb empty. She felt her heart empty; it was all spilling onto the floor. She could hear the scraping sound of the sword like instrument inside her. It would never be over.
The German man never once looked up from the procedure to see how she was coping.
Finally, it ended. The savage attack on her was over. Instruments were clanging loudly in the stainless steel sink. She mustered enough strength to turn her neck only to see the floor covered in copious amounts of her blood. The German man’s brow was deeply furrowed and his cold eyes full of dire concern. He was grabbing towels from a cupboard and mashing them between her legs. She vomited violently. Her belly throbbed and the warm flowing stream continued, saturating every towel and bandage. He was frantic; it was clear he didn’t know what to do. She knew no police would be called and no ambulance would arrive to whisk her off to a hospital.
Now, his bulging eyes were checking her expression to discern how she was coping; this frightened her more than the bleeding. She was tired now, overwhelmingly so. She could not keep her eyes open any longer. She just needed some rest she thought; she had been to Hell and back after all.
She never felt her hand open. She never saw her loyal friend and fuzzy confidant tumble down and land in the sea of red below. She never felt the sadness of the goodbyes she would whisper to the few that loved her. She never felt the gut twisting worry of the boy who waited for her. She never felt his tender kiss goodbye.
She never felt her life slip away – it just did, quietly and senselessly on a cold slab table on a gray November day.
If you are the parent of a daughter you held tightly, naked and screaming as she catapulted into this world and into your arms, I ask one favor of you: Read this once more and replace the word ‘she’, with your daughter’s name.
Nobody ever wants to go through an abortion, but they must continue to be safe and available. Donald Trump stated that if elected, he would ban abortion, leaving women and young girls to seek illegal backstreet abortions for the first time since 1968 and the above story a very frightening reality.
Know the issues. Vote wisely.
About the author: Mary Mclaurine – Other than writing about love, life and gratitude and finding the humor in it all, Mary’s passions are her family, friends and her deep ancestral roots to Scotland. She embraces the Peter Pan philosophy, “Never gonna grow up, not me”. Life is but a blink of an eye, cherish the fairy dust moments. Follow her blog at The Heart of Sassy Lassie and also at Facebook, Twitter, Google+ and Pinterest