Dear Children,
Back to school is just around the corner, and we know you are out there whining already, but we’re so excited about it we could just pee—for reasons besides having mom bladders, we mean. Sure, we will be a little sad about your long absence during the day. For exactly three minutes. Until you’re out of sight inside the school building.
But we will soothe our momma souls with these great benefits like:
1. The smell of new school supplies! We love the smell of ballpoint pen ink in the morning. If anyone needs us, we will be sniffing the binder aisle of Staples until back to school officially starts.
2. We get to pack your lunches! And by “pack,” we mean shove a Lunchable into a lunchbox instead of having to craft Your Royal Highness’ perfect Macaroni-and-Cheese-With-Ketchup or think overly hard about making healthy meals. And by “we,” we mean you can make your own damned lunch.
3. It’s bedtime, suckas! No more will you kids have the ability to play the Ace in the Hole, that you feel it is a fundamental right of summer to be able to stay up to 10pm. NOPE. 8pm bedtime for you! No longer must we wait till 10 pm to eat your snacks, have “me time,” or peace and quiet to groom ourselves. And possibly have efficient married sex with our spouses for ten minutes before we pass out.
4. You’re fired! Six year old boys make for the worst child labourers we’ve ever employed. No offence, but mommy’s looking forward to getting the house moderately clean in under 2,183 hours and it possibly staying that way from 9am to 3pm.
5. We can’t hear you! We have 8 hours x 5 days = 40 hours (each week!) that we won’t have to spend settling petty arguments OR cleaning up toys. Never before has math been such an orgasmic experience for us. Yay, school!
6. Happy Hour ends its daylight savings time! We’re sick of you guys questioning why mom’s wine drinking starts at 4 during the summer when during the winter it starts at 7. Little judgers. Summer is patio season. It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.
7. It’s someone else’s turn to have to give you the stink-eye! We’re pretty sure our eyebrows are permanently fixed in an expression of semi-disgusted disdain over your kid shenanigans by week 2 of summer break. Welp, now you’re someone else’s problem for part of the day, and perhaps their disdain will be more impressive to your person. Buy more pencils, buy more books; it’s teacher’s turn to give the dirty looks!
No, really, we’ll miss you. It will tear our souls in two to have to boot you out of the car and lay rubber peeling out of the drop off lane. But somehow… some way… we will go on.
Until next summer.
