The very first second I was introduced to reality t.v. I knew it was a love affair that was going to start with a quicky shot gun marriage and end at my 95th birthday when my husband died from choking on scrabble pieces that he thought were shreddies.
The first big love for me was The Real World – Seattle. I could go on and on and on and on about this show. I even made my husband take me to the Seattle Pier so I could see where they lived. Sad, true fact. Even sadder, I took a photo of him in front of their old Real World house and not one of me. I was worried he wouldn’t take the photo correctly.
My next true love was Survivor.
I was so into Survivor that my girlfriends threw me a Survivor viewing party as a going away present when I moved across the county to go to college. I still keep up the tradition of Survivor viewing parties. I have even moved the date of my husband’s actual birthday party because it fell on the date of the Survivor finale.
And then there was The Hills. I breastfed my oldest through daytime marathon episodes of The Hills. I love that show. Don’t you ever trash talk about it around me or I will cut you.
Are you ready to hear a bunch of shit?
Here goes…
When I have a moment to myself and turn on the t.v., if any of these shows are on, I have to watch them. I never actually plan to though, because for the most part they are shit.
This is the British Version of Jersey Shore. But, its better than Jersey Shore because I don’t have a fucking clue what theses people are saying. They say things like “fuck hut,” “wanker” and “pulling a bird.” They are probably the most disgusting people on t.v. and I cannot get enough of them. And apparently neither can England. These idiots are everywhere. And I love them.
Okay, pay attention. You sit on your couch at home and you watch people on their couches at home watching t.v. shows. It’s bloody genius and I fucking love it. Like, LOVE IT. There is an American version, but I am hooked on the Canadian version. The cast is made up of couples, friends and families. The chemistry is sick. (Sidenote: The good kind of sick. I heard a kid at the play ground say that once.) My most favourite line came while watching someone who was watching America’s Next Top Model. The coucher says, ” She looks like a stripper who just did the ice bucket challenge,” to which her friend, a fellow coucher adds, “And didn’t pay.” It’s pure genius and now I feel shitty for calling it a shitty reality show. Sorry couchers. I love you. Please keep tweeting me. You complete me.
Fuck me, Canadian security guards sound stupid. If you are American, you have to watch this and have a damn drink every time one of them sounds like a hoser. This show always gets me hooked due to suspense, and pretty much every time it’s a bloody let down. Those tricky little Border Security guards hook me in with their stupid music and commercial teases. Dicks. They hardly get anything good. Usually they just bug the shit out of travellers and then take them in a back room somewhere where they force feed them ex-lax so their poop can be checked for chihuahuas.
Don’t watch this. I mean it. Don’t watch it. I don’t even know why I watch it. It makes no fucking sense. I don’t understand them. There is hardly any decent drama. People cry for the stupidest fucking reasons. It’s terrible. I honest to God only watch it because I am hoping to fucking hell that it’s going to get better. Don’t watch it. Don’t.
5. Hotel Hell
Have you ever stayed at a gross hotel? The answer is No. No one stays at a gross hotel unless a reality t.v. show is taping and you want your 15 minutes (35 seconds) of fame. Hotel Hell is the same thing over and over and over and over. I am getting so sick of it. Idiot runs hotel into the ground. Gordon hates the food. Old ladies swoon over Gordon. Hotel gets made over. Yay! Gordon Ramsay saves the day! Same shit every time. But, I do like that he swears at people every episode and if he doesn’t say “bloody hell,” I feel cheated.
Okay. I am exhausted. I am going to lie down and see if The Biggest Loser, The Voice, Bachelor Pad, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Keeping up with the Kardashians, or Master Chef are on.