My husband –aka Jefe– and I can’t agree on family size. He is happy with two. No surprise there, he is from a family of two. Me, well I grew up with the Parsons, Cosby, and the Brady bunch. I spent summers surrounded by cousins hanging out on large properties full of Pythonesque extended families. I dreamt BIG!
Then, as my biological clock started ticking faster. When global concerns gained traction, that number came down. Eventually I decided on 2 biological (that’s the environmentalist in me) and two adopted.
I was marrying a Mexican. I saw big family as a given. My only worry was persuading him on the adoption front. Men seem to often be weird about this.
Me: I want 4 kids, 2 of them adopted.
Jefe: I want 2 kids.
Me: Well 3 then, perfect compromise.
Jefe: Why don’t we start by trying to have one. (Side note: I was told I’d have trouble conceiving.)
What he was saying: Let’s have one, two at most.
What I heard: Of course we will have three and we will see if they are biological or adopted.
I always thought we would have three. I now know my husband never even considered it. I don’t even need to ask him his arguments for sticking to two. They are sound, rational, indisputable reasons. Financial and Me-time. But the heart doesn’t comprehend logic. And here I am, environmentalist, having spent years lecturing people on why they shouldn’t conceive more than twice, desperately wanting another baby.
The funny thing is that he would have a much better shot and getting me into his family-of-four camp by focusing on the gender makeup of our family. And here is where I actually get to the point of this post. You see there is nothing that drove me more insane when I was expecting baby#2 than people saying
“Oh you must be hoping for a boy!”
Me: “Really? Why is that?”
Idiot: “Well because you already have a girl of course!”
Me: “I don’t understand your logic.”
Idiot “Well surely you want one of each!”
(Or in the case of nearly everyone from Jewish/Arabic/Asian decent: because of course you want boys and your husband must have been so disappointed with your first child)
Me: “Actually no, I want a second girl. I always wished I’d had a sister and think of the savings…no new wardrobes!”
Then the conversations take two possible paths:
Path 1: is one where the person goes on incessantly about how in fact I really do want a boy but am lying to myself, rationalizing it to lessen the disappointment and can’t possibly actually not want to have one of each.
Path 2: I must then be planning on more kids despite the ‘family of 4’ being the desired number since you can all fit in the car legally, one of each perfect family aspirations, so common these days.
Idiot: “Oh wow so you are planning on three kids!”
Me, setting aside my true desire for the Cosby Family: “Why no. Why would you think that?”
Idiot: “Well because of course you are going to want a boy.”
Me: “Not particularly. It’s not that I don’t want a boy, it’s just that I am perfectly happy with two girls. Really my hope was always for healthy children”
Then we usually revert back to Path 1:
Idiot, now giving me an aneurysm-inducing fucked up knowing smile “…oh yes I know people say that but deep down…”
This is the point where it is good that I do not own a handgun.
Me: “Seriously, I don’t care.”
Idiot now noticing bulging veins at my temples concedes I am telling the truth and then adds their coup de grace: “But surely for your husband’s sake…”
Me: “Actually my husband doesn’t want a boy.”
Usually there is complete disbelief and silence at this point
Personally I find this line of questioning really the most obnoxious of all the stupid things people ask. Yes it is ok to want one of each. But it’s also ok not to give a flying frittata about gender.
So Jefe, if you are reading this, you should remind me about the insufferable comments I’ll be privy to when they look at #3 and say – “oh you must have been so happy to finally have a boy” or worse, a knowing look laden with pity bestowed after seeing I had another girl.
Now where did I put that sewing kit and my diaphragm…