Dear moms of autistic children:
First let me say this: I admire you for all the time, love and patience you put into doing everything and anything you can for your child with autism. You want to create a loving and caring environment for them where they feel safe and loved – that’s what all moms want for their kids.
I appreciate that you are raising awareness about autism to those of us who cannot possibly know what you and your child experience on a daily basis. Some of you speak of the hate and the tears you cry because of the other unfeeling mothers and their heart-piercing stares of condemnation, and the strangers who judge and whisper and make snide remarks to one another that you know are about you and your unruly or strangely-acting child.
Guess what? It happens to ALL MOMS!!!
You judge us for looking at you? Why do you automatically assume the judgmental looks have anything to do with autism? How are we to know that your child is experiencing something other than a good old fashioned temper tantrum or some other form of typical toddler/child behavior? Perhaps we are casting looks of annoyance and exasperation because maybe, just maybe, we have had a really crappy day ourselves with our own kids or our job or a million other things.
We don’t know you. We don’t know your child is autistic.
I raised a stepdaughter with fetal alcohol syndrome, and while I am not comparing the two, I am saying I know what it is like to deal with a child that requires much more time, attention, and awareness than a “normal” child. She used to act out in very inappropriate ways. Several times, while in public she just happily began masturbating with not a care in the world. Talk about some freaked out and judgmental death stares coming my way – I’m sure you can imagine. Of COURSE they stared! Of course they judged! They had absolutely NO WAY of knowing she had FAS!
I didn’t blame them. I didn’t think they were being cruel to me because my child had FAS. Again, how could they know? This is highly unusual behavior!! You wouldn’t look over if you saw this happening five feet from you? Of course you would; you’re human.
Instead of assuming everyone is judging you and your child because of autism, maybe you could stop judging everyone and just say, “My child has autism and is a bit overwhelmed right now. Please be kind.” I said it, right out loud to people around me that were honed in and making snide remarks about my stepdaughter. I wasn’t mean, I just said, “My daughter has fetal alcohol syndrome and doesn’t always know what is appropriate, so I’d appreciate your understanding. Or at the very least, keep your comments to yourself. Thank you.”
There is an incredibly helpful movement going on now by people who own dogs that have been rescued and suffer from emotional problems. They tie a very visible yellow ribbon on their leash! That way, when I am walking my dog, I can see that they are telling me that their dog has some issues and to please be respectful and understanding. Don’t try to come near my dog with your dog; just pass by quietly.
If only we also had something so simple and so effective!
Try and remember: all moms have struggles with their kids on a regular basis, and people naturally respond to unusual happenings in their vicinity. People can be just complete jerks – mean, condescending, hateful, disgusting excuses for human beings – so deal with it; we all do. You don’t get to assume that we are all awful people because we react to your child behaving strangely. Can you honestly say you have never, not once, not ever, cast a look toward a mother dealing with an unruly child in full on tantrum mode? Is it right to continue to stare and judge and chatter about it? No. Is life always fair? No. Move on.
Your judgment is hypocritical – you want no “hate” or judgement of your child, yet some (not all) of your blogs are full of judgment and disdain for those who dare cast a look at you or your child. The fact is, even if we did know your child had autism, most of us will still look your way, if only to see what is happening.
Just continue doing what you do best: educate us. It is your most powerful tool. Continue to blog about it, write about it, but do me a favor and stop judging us for looking at you and your child. We’re human, too. And, honestly, it’s annoying.
I too raised a special needs child. I did it when there was no awareness movement going on and I had no support, there was no Internet to “spread the word.” There simply was no word, and no one cared. I raised a child who exhibited extremely strange and inappropriate behavior and I dealt with it and the hardship, judgement and snide remarks that came along with it. I tried to keep in mind they had no way of knowing what was wrong her and I would engage her in a conversation about a subject she enjoyed talking about so she would not focus on the negativity.
Perhaps in a perfect world, no one will look twice, everyone will love without judgment and everyone will automatically know you have a child with autism, but until then, do what the rest of us moms do: the best we can, without the judgment.
We could all use a lot less of it.
Mary is 59 and resides in Maryland. She writes about her love of life and doesn’t shy away from sharing stories of her dance with depression and finding her way through it with gratitude and humor. She loves being with her two grown sons and her girlfriends but is often ditched by both for wearing inappropriately short skirts, refusing to dance like no one is looking – (you know they are) and making a fool of herself as often as possible. She has deep ancestral roots to Scotland and is sure that although she has never been there, she has lived there all her life. Life is but a blink of an eye, cherish the fairy dust moments.
Follow her blog at The Heart of Sassy Lassie and also on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+