Organized religions are my favourite running joke. Hard core Christians are so whacked, it is almost impossible to discern the difference between satire and good ol’ fall-down-on-the-floor-and-speak-the-language-of-serpents bible thumping. Lately, Christian Mothers Against Masturbation (CMAM) is showing themselves to be the biggest wankers of all.
They were so excited to spread the word of HE-WHO-CAN-NOT-SELF-PLEASURE that they prematurely spewed forth their missive, sloppily disregarding proper punctuation and spelling! But that bungle is neither here nor their (intentional) because their all-important PSA is all over the face of the net:
It’s a joke, right? Except it’s not. Or maybe it is. Fans of NOT masturbating? I’m confused. A sinner like me who uses her fingers for “ringing the devil[’]s doorbell” has trouble actually determining whether these moms are in on the joke. Screaming Jesus! – many holier-than-thous are concerned for reals about the suitability of ladies who squeeze the peach. It’s weird, you see, because usually the very best Christians are most worried about how our daughters dress to tempt your sons at school and the vagina as a dangerous penis fly trap. I was surprised they were concerned that our girls are petting their own kitty and Jillin’.
When analyzing these precious gems of wisdom that surely cum straight from the head member in the sky himself, my degenerate mommy friends and I have listened closely and want to “remeber” to ask the important questions:
- Is CMAM an actual group you can join? Are there local chapters that hold meetings? That would really help us sinners learn how to police masturbation and make sure our children are actually just singing in the shower.
- If my harlot daughter self-pleasures and dips into her honey pot, is that self-rape? Rape is a type of sexual assault perpetrated against a person – and here is where your use of the word gets away from me – without that person’s consent. Are the warriors against wanking hipsters perhaps referencing the urban dictionary: Raping one-self. Your mind tells you NO, but your body tells you yeeeeaaaah.
- Does self-rape only relate to muff buffers? Is the “sin cave” somehow more susceptible to damnation than the slippery serpent? Are those who flog the log rather than engage in the recommended act of self-flagellation also in danger?
- For those who have overcome the need to flick the bean, T-shirts are available with the words “EX-Masturbator” emblazoned across the front. Is there a picture on the back of the newest ‘bad’ finger – the diddler? Or would people confuse a drawing of a poised digit with a delicious big fat dildo or the slit eyed demon itself?
- Most young men like to fister their mister – would the suitor who likes to polish the Devil’s stick regularly be non-marriage material? Does this apply even if he could still purchase a really big diamond as shown to demonstrate my daughter’s market value and that he can
buyprovide for her?
- Who are the people tagged on the photo? Can they help me or my daughter restrain from saying hello to the little man in the canoe? Or are they wayward children? If so, congrats on the subtle nod to religious sentencing and public punishment with electronic stones thrown via social media. Either way, you should probably add me to that list – is there a Facebook group for us too?
You know, you had best add ALL of my friends because we are horrible people for more than just enjoying a rousing hand of CAH. I like to call this group of fellow miscreants Normal people and Everyone I Know. Finding the humour in your attempt to slut shame women in yet another ill-fitting Christian cloak has helped us BLUNTmoms unite over the ridiculous and hilarious notion of hairy palms as well as our love for the bottle nose dolphin.
Rise, fellow Masturbators – I offer you the skanky two finger salute.
– Anonymous