My Son Is Adopted – I am His “Real Mom”

I was getting my haircut by a new hairdresser and we started making conversation.

“I saw a ring on your hand, how long have you and your husband been married?”
“Oh just over 4 years”
“Oh nice, do you guys have any children?”
“Yeah, we have a son, he is so precious!”
“How old is he?”
“He is almost 4 years old”
“Wow, you guys got married and had the baby right away didn’t you?! No wasting time!”
“Actually, our son is adopted.”
“Oh really? Wow! That is so cool.”
The conversation ensues for a few more minutes but then the inevitable question always arises: “Does your son still see his real mom?”  

At this point in the conversation, my heart rate quickens, blood pressure rises, and face starts to flush. Now, I know you have good intentions, but when you refer to my son’s adoptive parent as his “real mom” it feels awful. Let me tell you why.

Adoption is a beautiful thing. I absolutely love our son, like he comes from my own flesh and blood. However, being a part of someone’s flesh and blood isn’t the criteria for overwhelming, all consuming love – just think of your spouse or partner. I love our son so much, I just do. I always tell parents who are thinking of adopting that I highly endorse it.

Adoption can also be a very sad, angering and complex situation. For example, my son’s birth mother was a drug and alcohol addict and didn’t contribute to our son’s well being for the first year and a bit of his life. She didn’t get pregnant with the plan of adoption in mind; she originally planned to raise him. However, he was ultimately removed from her custody after his well being and safety was seriously jeopardized enough times.
Now, this is one story, and it is not that unique; many adopted children have had the same experience.

Now that you have some background to our son’s story, what would it feel like for you if someone said, “Does your son still see his real mom?”  That begs the question, what is a real mom?

A real mom is someone who holds her child while he cries, feeds her child when he is hungry, Band-Aids and kisses his scrapes and wounds, cuddles her child when he is scared of the monsters, teaches her child the difference between right and wrong, and sets healthy boundaries to ensure the child feels safe. That is what a real mom is. I am my son’s real mom.
 
I don’t want to shame people that have asked questions using that terminology. Before adopting, I too occasionally and unfortunately referred to the biological parent as the “real parents.” I am sure I have hurt, annoyed and exasperated other adoptive parents with my well-meaning question. Now that I have adopted, I am incredibly aware of the complexities surrounding adoption. More importantly, I know that my bond and love to my son is true, real and deeper than the ocean.

Therefore, if there is one thing you can take away from this; if you don’t know the mom/dad/or parents well and you just found out they adopted be mindful of what you say next. Refer to the biological parents, as the biological or birth parents. Remember who the real moms and dads are.

I am my son’s real mom.

 

Jessie Princeton is a pen name and the author has chosen to remain cloaked in mystery.