Stop With The Lame-Ass Gender Reveal Parties – Try These Instead!

When did these gender parties become an actual thing? I’m too busy raising my brood of six (gender reveals at end of post) to attend elaborate shindigs where women’s pregnancies become mystery plots with twist endings. Instead of disclosing “Whodunnit” they announce, “Blue won it!”

Big deal — It’s a penis, ya genius!

However I’m always on board with some motherhood intrigue. As a professional party planner, I’m compelled to offer these 10 exciting twists to make Gender Reveal Parties extra memorable!

1. Forget the white frosted cake with boy or girl colored filling inside. Boring. Plan a surprise BBQ instead. Grill your “gender reveal” hamburger patties rare so they’re bright pink inside. This works best if you’re having a girl and guests are cool with E. coli. On second thought, better stick with a cupcake reveal.
2. When guests bite into cupcakes with bright green centers, you audibly gasp then quickly ask for name suggestions besides Mork or ET — because obviously baby is a Martian.
3. Create an adorable gender reveal cake-pop. Eat the whole thing in one bite, swallow, burp, smile mysteriously and shout, “Surprise! The gender is none of your business!”
4. Play off the word “Be.” (He or She? What will it BEE?) Have hubby dress up as Winnie-the-Pooh to serve honey. Have pink and blue epi-pens on hand when the bumblebees are released should any guests suffer anaphylaxis. You could also release owls (WHOO will it be?) but that’s rather predictable.
5. Invite your OB/GYN. Relax, he’s not recreating the sonogram while your guests watch. (Too sticky!) Instead, he’ll mysteriously hold up a pink and blue latex balloon while spellbound guests take bets on which color his lips latch onto. After he inflates the correct balloon, be sure to holler, “Great Blow-Job, Doc!”
6. Whip up a batch of blueberry and cotton-candy flavored margaritas in your special “Gender Blender.” Get guests good and sloshed before announcing baby will be a hermaphrodite.
7. Have the ultrasound technician write the gender on a slip of paper, then seal in an envelope. Shop for both girl and boy clothing, handing the cashier the envelope while instructing her to box up the correct outfit. When you open the package at the party and discover both the frilly dress AND the Lil’ Slugger overalls – guests will applaud wildly, exclaiming, “Twins!!” Actually the store clerk just works on commission.
8. Guests dressing in the color they predict for baby is a cute way to have them vote. But guys won’t do pink, so change it up: red = girl and green = boy. Put up a Christmas tree, mistletoe, and serve eggnog to see if you can distract everyone from this whole gender forecasting business.
9. Buy buckets of pink paint and invite guests to your undecorated nursery. This isn’t so much a reveal as it is saving money on professional painters. Admonish anyone who stains your carpet won’t hold little Jacob after HE is born. Watch baffled expressions as you tape down pink baby blankets as drop cloths.
10. Hang a printed sign, “Little Man or Little Lady?” on a dramatic theater curtain. At the proper moment, yank the cord to slide open the red velvet drapes, exposing a sideshow-bearded lady. Serve peanuts and popcorn under a big-top tent in your backyard because you just turned a normal baby shower into a 3-ring circus. Congratulations!

P.S. – The author will reveal the gender of her six children when she figures out why this matters so much.  Thank you for your patience.