This is Part Three of the Women of Ashley Madison trilogy.
Part One can be found here, and Part Two can be found here.
Contrary to recent news articles and blog posts, Ashley Madison was not just a site where men were lured by non-existent online sirens to participate in extramarital affairs. There may have been significantly more men registered on the site than women but make no mistake: there were real women – not just bots created by the company – looking for something beyond ’til death do us part and forsake all others.
I know because I was one of them.
After reading about Ashley Madison in a Vanity Fair article, I decided that it was time for me to find what was missing in my marriage: sex and intimacy. I created an anonymous Gmail account, registered with Ashley Madison and eagerly looked forward to finding my electronic innamorata. For better or worse, I found him and our affair ruined my marriage. But it did not ruin my life.
Earlier this week, the lovely ballsy editors at BluntMoms agreed to run a series of posts about my experience with Ashley Madison. Since it’s publication, there have been several readers who have questioned it’s veracity. It can’t be true! No one is that naive/stupid/amoral. I’m pretty sure she made it up.
Oh, how I wish to hell that it was fiction. But it is my story and it had a real impact on my family, my friends and my mental health. For years, I’ve struggled to regain the trust of the people that I hurt the most – my ex husband and my children, my parents, my friends and my community – to forgive myself and find some meaning in what I believed to be my greatest love affair turned into my worst nightmare. So what did I learn?
My affair with an older married man took me all over the world and with each new passport stamp, my lover pushed me sexually to explore new territory. After a decade of vanilla, I was thrilled to be with someone who could help me turn my repressed sexual fantasy life into reality: along with our amazing one on one sexual connection, there was the threesome with the beautiful Japanese prostitute in Kyoto, an Ecstasy-fuelled orgy at a mansion in Gouda and a live sex show in Paris where we were not merely attendees but the main act. He was well-schooled in the fine art of performance, seduction and deception and had awakened a ravenous sexual beast within me. I now cruised the stroll and the Internet looking for playmates for myself and for us to enjoy together. We shared many adventures and he encouraged me to strike out on my own to fulfil my fantasies.
We were each convinced that we had found our soulmates. Intellectually, emotionally, sexually. He told me that we would be together forever and convinced me to leave my husband. As is the case with many affairs, he left me to go back to his wife and I was left to pick up the pieces of our broken relationship and my devastated marriage on my own. I couldn’t return to my marriage and pretend that the previous year had never happened; I had already betrayed my husband’s trust and refused to hurt him further. The months that followed were among the worst days of my life: I was getting a divorce, heart-broken and alone. This was not how I thought my life would turn out.
But rather than let it destroy me, I’m still here.
I refused to let my affair define me as a “cheater” I’m very familiar with the saying that a cheetah (a cheater?) never changes his/her spots. I had never cheated before and I will never cheat again. Many people that I loved were hurt through my selfish actions and I live with their hurt every day. I’ve also been cheated on and learned that the pain inflicted by your beloved’s duplicity hurts worse than a fiery sword up your anus. I learned that it is impossible to build a solid authentic relationship on a foundation of lies and deceit. I thought that I could heal someone who was intrinsically damaged but now realize that that was his problem, not mine. I learned that I was a sexual creature and to embrace and celebrate that woman, not deny her.
I learned what I need in a relationship: honestly, intimacy, vulnerability and monogamy. Fortunately, after many years of self loathing and poor choices, I’ve forgiven myself and I have found someone who loves me just as I am. He knows all the sordid details of my past but understands that I am no longer that person, desperate to leave her marriage but too cowardly to do so. I learned that I had to love myself again before I could allow someone else to love me.
I learned that cheating on your spouse is not a metaphorical black or white issue; that there are many grey areas in a relationship that can not be categorized as “right” or “wrong.” We are human and we make mistakes. If we are lucky, we can count on only a few fingers the number of people who we need to forgive us our misdeeds. I came back from my personal train wreck, and realized I couldn’t blame Ashley Madison for existing. I forgave myself, and have been forgiven by the people I have hurt. And I learned that I am a better partner because of this experience.
Because a cheater can change her spots.