If you are anything like me, I am always on the lookout for original holiday gifts for family and friends. Screw the traditional board game or fast food gift card–I want to give something that says, “I care.”
I have learned along the way if you value any relationships in your life, there are certain gift items to avoid bestowing on your loved ones. I’m not lying when I say I have been on the receiving end of some of these ‘presents’ and it wasn’t at a white elephant party.
Trust me, there is a reason I got divorced.
Gym Memberships – Because nothing says “you’re fat” quite like a year’s membership to LA Fitness.
Chia Heads – Trimming different styles of bush growth isn’t very holiday friendly. I’ll grow my own garden, thank you very much.
Fiber Optic Holiday Sweaters- I know these sweaters come with it’s own set of batteries, but unless it’s a vibrator, avoid using battery operated equipment on your body.
The Kitty Carpet – A toupee for lady-scaping fails. The kitty carpet hides everything from a Brazilian wax gone bad to a stenciled happy face turned sad. Unfortunately, it’s reusable. In case you are a repeat offender.
Homemade Coupon Books – “Good for a free hug,” and “I will walk the dog once a week,” only proves that you were lazy as shit and ran out of time for a REAL gift.
Fundies: The Underwear Built For Two – I know the thought of bumpin’ uglies in a pair of tidy whities makes YOU horny as hell, but don’t assume your partner will feel the same way.
Any Book From the “For Dummies” Series. It’s a little presumptuous, even when you know, deep down, the person you are giving it to is stupid as fuck.
Kitchen Cleaning Supplies – Just a lovely and silly hint that women should stay in the kitchen. Where they belong. Fuck you, Kirk Cameron.
Poo Pourri Air Freshener – I’m not sure which is worse, this sitting on your bathroom counter or the fact it comes with three scents of “Original, Royal Flush and Number 2.”
Half Used Gift Cards – Nothing like a balance of 11.53 on a coffee card to remind someone you are a cheap bastard.
Now that I have warned you about what not to give, if you happen to receive any of these so called presents, you have my full permission to Re-Gift it to someone you hate.
Although I have to admit, the Fundies are kinda hot.