To wax or not to wax? That is the million dollar question plaguing women of my generation.
I have been told by my single male friends that approximately 100% of women in their twenties are completely ‘bare down there.’ I, as a 41 year old mother-of-three, do not have the desire or time required to maintain this level of nakedness.
So when my friend begged me to get a full Brazilian with her, I thought I made myself crystal clear. I would absolutely go with her, and I would allow, what I believe, is the perfect amount of landscaping. But never, ever would I go the whole enchilada.
I should mention this friend is my go-to for all things mischief. So when she demanded we experience this together, I probably agreed and assumed she would forget to make the appointment.
A few days later, I got this text.
Friend 1: I’m making the appointment for our Brazilian this Saturday. Costs 70 bucks. You still in?
Me: SEVENTY DOLLARS?!? Hell no. But I will go with you and hold your hand, however awkward that may be. Better yet, I have a razor. Let me at it.
Friend 1: You are a douchebag.
Me: Dude, I am NOT spending $70 on my vag.
Friend 1: There is a place downtown next to Sex World we could go for $50?
Me: Sounds charming. Think they’d do half my schmuff for $25? Like just one lip. That’s my final offer.
Friend 1: …
Me: Fine, I will pay for a wax, but not the whole Bermuda triangle. I have an 11 year old daughter and zero desire to resemble her.
Friend 1: …
Me: TALK TO ME!!!
I decide it is time to text another friend, hoping for reinforcement.
Me: Would you ever get a full Brazilian? Like, the whole shebang? I have a friend who wants to get one.
Friend 2: Um, I got one for my wedding. You realize you must get on all fours and spread your cheeks for them to pour wax in, right?
Me: I said it was a friend of mine. They are charging her $70! Seventy dollars to have all of her pubes ripped out. And I assume you need to tip them? Like, here’s $10 for spending time with your face an inch from my cat flaps.
Friend 2: It was awful. Do you have ANY concept of the pain tolerance you need to have to get hot wax drizzled near your butthole? You are not cut out for it.
Me: IT’S FOR A FRIEND OF MINE!!!!
Friend 2: Then I proceeded to get a raging yeast infection. I beg you not to do it.
Me: I said… never mind…
Friend 2: So, the yeast infection started the first day of our Honeymoon in Italy. I made my husband of 3 days go to the Farmacia and ask for Vagisil. No one spoke English. Do you know how embarrassing it is to try and act out the words “yeast infection?” You are going to regret this….
Ever a faithful friend, I checked in on Friend 1 post appointment. Apparently after some light ‘getting to know you’ conversation, waxing began, and shit got real. She made a swift exit after calling the 66-year-old aesthetician ‘a whore bitch,’ careful to avoid eye contact with any of her co-workers. Her vajayjay is currently twice its former size, ruby red, and in the beginning stages of a rash.
I did what any decent friend would do. I sent her tulips (naturally) with a card that read:
Dear Vagina belonging to my friend:
Wishing you a speedy recovery. I know you don’t have ears, but I really wish you would listen to me next time.
Also, I TOLD YOU SO.
Smugly Yours, Julie
Julie Scagell – Another Mother Blog