There are a few things when you become a parent that make you sit down and go “What the crap is this?!” — okay, so MORE than a few things. Okay, pretty much everything.
But I’m sure you can all agree with me that those passing fads, which happen to cost way more than they should, always seem to be a “must have” item right before Christmas fall squarely onto that list. No, not his list, the other list. The “What the crap is this?” List.
One of those things, in my opinion, is a stuffed toy that comes with a book. It is all the rage with the “in it to win it” crowd of parenting. You know what I’m talking about! The Elf on A Shelf!
When I first saw this terrifying little havoc-wreaker I was, for a moment, bemused. “So, let me get this straight, first we tell the kids that this tiny thing is stalking them and reporting back to a higher power, then we tell them the behave or else, and THEN we allow them to see the tiny thing getting into all sorts of trouble which is somehow both amusing and not-at-all annoying to clean up. Hmm. okay.”
Then the pinterest boards started flooding through my feed. Tiny elf-people sitting in bowls of cereal, hiding behind the toilet with the paper all askew, getting into the dog food, and all of the Moms are gleefully commenting “har har har isn’t it so cute?” and trying to out-elf each other.
Hmm. (Pause for dramatic effect here.)
Here are just a FEW of the issues with the Dumb Shelf Elf:
1. We spend all damn day telling our kids to clean up after themselves, then somehow when the lights go out and the kids go to bed we think it’s A-okay to make the mess ourselves and blame it on a magical elf-creature. Sure.
2. When the children eventually find out that the elf was just another one of our evil parental rouses to convince them to behave, how do you think they’re gonna feel?
3. This takes work. Actual work. And THEN it’s not good enough just to throw the thing in a dog bowl and call it a day, we actually have to put thought and effort into how little “Sparkle” or “Glitzen” or “WhatTheShit” is going to get into some mischief tonight. For 25-30 consecutive days!
4. Six Words: Making More Messes To Clean Up!
5. 90% of the “fun” of this is actually had by the parents, not the kids. Okay, maybe 80% and that’s only if making messes and then cleaning up after yourself while blaming it on a toy is fun for you.
6. This thing costs roughly $40!!! Do you know how many bottles of cheap vodka I could buy for forty dollars?!
7. Have you seen the cold dead stare in the eyes of these things? They’re just a wee bit terrifying, and probably tracked by the NSA (just sayin’!)
I just have one thing to say to the conglomerate toy manufacturer(s) who dreamt up this “must have” product: Go Elf your Shelf!