I Hate Being Devoured by Motherhood

I am a woman, complete with a life-giving vagina, a set of milky titties, and the fierce love of a mama bear. Does that mean I am supposed to be completely cool with endlessly fixing meals, doing dishes, playing with trains, and rocking babies?

I’ve struggled with being a stay-at-home mom since I first made the choice. Then I struggled with the fact that I struggled with it (fucking mommy-guilt). There are two types of moms I mostly hear from. There are those in my boat who, despite their moments of isolation, frustration, and depletion, are mostly content. Then there are the working moms who would do anything to be home with their little ones more. Between the two, I question if I lack domestication or gratitude, so I try harder to embrace my role. I know these days with my little ones are worth savoring, but the imbalance I feel interferes with my appreciation.

My imbalance comes from having a fire inside of me that I try to quell. I have the desire to do, and think, and create, all of which are impossible when in constant company of young children. So I find myself uptight. Uptight about nap times. Uptight about bedtimes. Uptight because I’m not ever certain I will get time to myself to accomplish something that reminds me I am somebody other than Mom.

So I try to multitask—I write down some ideas, or glance at a book while also helping my preschooler with puzzles and removing mulch from my baby’s mouth. A few days ago, my son asked me to have a sword fight with him, but I was trying to finish something I was working on. So he asked me again. And again. Then he said, “Mommy, put your computer away!”

I felt that fucking mommy-guilt again for not being present with him. So I try to shove my goals and ambitions away, tell them they can wait. I tell myself that my babies are only babies for so long and reassure myself that when they are older I can resume my life. But life doesn’t get paused. When they are older, I will be older too, and I don’t want to forget who I am in the child-rearing process.

I want to be able to thrive as both an individual and a mother.

Of course it is hard to thrive as an individual without time and space to just be. I can’t even fold laundry without it being strewn about, so you can imagine what my thoughts are like. But aside from that physical element, there is this cultural ideal of a mom who is happy to be devoured by motherhood. One who finds her identity and purpose solely in her children. A good mom is supposedly a selfless mom. But in my experience, a selfless mom is a frustrated woman who growls and snarls (and obviously suffers chronic mommy-guilt). She isn’t irritable and impatient by nature, but from a certain type of suffocation.

A selfless mom undergoes an ugly transformation from a happy-go-lucky girl (yes, I said “girl” because she used to be youthful) to a tired-ass-woman who lost her spark. She is convinced she doesn’t feel as good about herself as she used to because she wears yoga pants everyday and embraces frizzy hair. She blames her lack of self-confidence on the extra weight she can’t lose (because she is so bored and frustrated that she eats all her children’s scraps). She doesn’t attribute it to the fact that she has lost her passions and her sense of identity because she has been absorbed by her children’s lives.

The housewives of the 1950’s aren’t always portrayed smiling because they were fulfilled, but because they were gobbling pharmaceuticals to mask their depression. Let’s not be fooled into feeling like failures because we crave to be more. Let us nurture ourselves, and fuel our passions. Let us teach our children how to sleep. How to wait. How to entertain themselves. And how to value us, not only as their jungle gyms, boo-boo-kissers, and sandwich-makers, but as people too. And because they are little, and will still interrupt, demand, and need, let us find some support.

Our kids will benefit from having a happier mom, and our husbands will benefit by having a sexier wife. See? Prioritizing yourself is actually the selfless thing to do.

 
About the author: Panda is an elementary school teacher turned stay-at-home mom to two boys, and wife of a resident doctor. She can’t ever get her shit together, and relies heavily on coffee and wine. Her writing has been featured on Scary Mommy. Get to know her better at Stay at Home Panda or on Facebook.