It must have been a special occasion. I had it marked on my fridge, circled in my calendar, and had to take off of work early. I made sure my underwear and my bra matched, I shaved my entire leg, not just the ankles, and I even touched up my bikini line. I had a date, and my husband didn’t even know about it.
I’ve actually been seeing this other gentleman as long as I’ve been happily with my husband, but anytime I try to bring it up for discussion, my husband doesn’t want to here about any of the details. Probably because it’s my annual date with my Gynecologist. Here are the random middle aged thoughts my husband could give two shits less about, but I think all of us women can relate to:
- I should know by now not to choose that one good pair of underwear I actually own. It just gets thrown in a ball over in that chair with all my other clothes, so no one sees them. Not even my husband sees them after the fact because as soon as I get home I change them because of post exam drip. What a waste.
- Do I leave the front exposed of this damn crinkly robe thing for boob access? I think. Because I doubt I should leave the back exposed. I’m perplexed. It is a gynecologist after all, not a proctologist.
- The large non-latex gloves are a hit here I see, much more popular than the medium and small gloves. Should I be concerned?
- Why in the Hell did I wear black socks? Now I have those lovely fuzzy remnants all over my toes. But, I did paint my toenails just for this visit. So that minimizes the toe fuzz to an extent. And my feet will look more stylish and cute in these stirrups because of my pretty polish. Wait, the stirrups now have oven mitts?
- Did Christian Grey have one of these tables in his playroom? I need to catch up on some reading. Thinking of gray, my next appointment should be to color my hair. My roots are atrocious.
- Do I have time for another round of farm heroes? Or is this a no cell phone use area? I bet it is. Duck lip selfies are cringeworthy enough.
- Or, do I have time to pee? because generally if I touch something cold I have to pee. And these instruments that are going to be touching my vagina are probably cold.
- I hope I don’t cough or sneeze.
- There isn’t a clock in here, just a picture of those lovely flowers. Flowers with petals that look like a vagina. How appropriate. Is this a coincidence? Nah, tulips would be a coincidence. That looks like an orchid.
- I wonder if my Dr. truly appreciates the fact that I shaved really well last night. If it is refreshing for them, especially since my husband thought it was something nice I did for him, not for the fact I had this appointment today.
- I will feel slight pressure. Thanks for the warning, but I gave birth to two 10 pound babies, so I doubt I will be phased. It’s like the Grand Canyon down there. You might need a bigger flashlight.
- Mammogram? Yep, sign me up. Menopausal symptoms? Geez, now you are making me feel a tad bit old, or just showing my true age I guess. Just don’t continue to mention pap smears. ‘Smear’ is almost as gag provoking as the word ‘moist’.
- Should I just leave that used, tainted white paper table covering there like that? I feel like I should throw it away. Or perhaps toss that sheet in the bin? But it’s labeled a biohazard bin. Yeah, Fuck that.
- Before I go I should see if any of those big obnoxious maxi pads are in the closet. They are the perfect size and shape for my Swiffer sweeper. I’m joking. I don’t steal. But I have used those pads to clean when I was in a bind. They are great for ceiling fans.
- What? We are done here? Just get dressed and be on my way? (I haven’t heard talk like that since my sorority days in college after a night of binge drinking and waking up in the fraternity house.) So there is no consolation prize? Or free samples? Like K-Y jelly? Or bikini wax? Even the dentist sends me on my way with something. And ironically, he’s the one telling me to open wide.
About the author: Chalise Kestner is a middle aged unconventional parent who drinks and spews profanity excessively, yet manages to keep it all in balance eloquently. She just started her new blog Eloquent Parent on Facebook, and hopes for grander things to come, so she can finally put all those Honors English from two decades ago to good use, instead of enunciating lunch specials at her current place of employment. facebook.com/eloquentparent
Twitter @chalisemk
Instagram @chalisemk
2 Comments
Definitely yes to #2, 7 and pls add fart to 8. LOL! Spot on list!
This is hilarious! Thank you for sharing your thoughts.