Do You Talk to Your Kids About Sex?

How old were you when you lost your virginity? I know it’s impolite to ask this question, and I’m not expecting a reply. It’s more of a random thought that just came to me. I have to admit that I am curious though.

Most of my girlfriends did the deed for the first time, oh around 16. A few around 18, and one or two not until their early 20’s.

I was 14. *GASP!* Oh, don’t hold your pearls so tightly, you’ll choke yourself.

We could go into all the psychological reasons a girl of 14 would even want to have sex in the first place, but I’ll just tell you why I did.

Plainly put: I wanted to get it over with.

Yep, that’s it. I wasn’t mooning over a boy and willing to do anything for him, including taking my pants off, nor was I pressured into doing it. No, I wasn’t a wanton teenage Lolita with horny thoughts running through my head. I just wanted it over and done with.

My sister and I found a copy of “The Joy of Sex” tucked in our mother’s book cabinet. It had a pretty graphic pictorial of childbirth in it. You would think that would have put us off the whole thing…

I didn’t even know what sex was or why people did it. Babies came out of your bellybutton, and placed there by Jesus (I really did believe that up until junior high). It just wasn’t talked about in our house, along with the menstrual cycle. Thinking back, they probably regret not informing us after the plumbing issues around having to fish a flushed maxi-pad out of the toilet pipes.

I had a boyfriend–or rather, I had a boy who was a friend–and he gave me my first French kiss (which, by the way, was disgusting – his braces and my bubblegum weren’t a perfect mix). We both were part of a “teen group” at the Unitarian church our parents dragged us to each Sunday. 

Being the unsupervised kids we were back then, we had a lot of time to hang out, usually at my house since my mother worked two jobs to keep clothes on my and my sisters ungrateful bottoms. So it was there, on the bottom bunk of the bunk-bed in my and sister’s room that we did it – got it over with.

Here’s the kicker: I told him that I wasn’t a virgin. I knew he was one, and for some reason I lied. I couldn’t tell you why I did that. I feel sort of bad knowing I took his virginity, but he went on through life remembering me as his first and not being able to say the same of me. Hymen lies – don’t do that. Again, psychology could step in here…

Afterward, we acted normal. Thank the gods we went to different schools, because I think the embarrassment of that day wasn’t something we wanted to talk about or repeat. Yep, that was the first and last time we ever did it. No one farted or anything. It was just clumsy and awkward, you know – exactly how it should be the first time 14 year olds have sex!

Gross… That sentence “the first time 14 year olds have sex!” is just gross.

I have a teenage girl and tween boy. The thought of them giving themselves up that quickly and for no good reason just makes me gag. I’ve informed them though. Not of my experience, but of sex in general. The basics, nothing in depth.

While I’m a mother who is open, and I find it very important to discuss these things with my kids (insert your own age appropriate number here because it varies depending on the kid and the parent), it’s not like I’m having graphic conversations with Powerpoint porn for material. I go into the birds and the bees, but I also add a lot about self worth. Something I was lacking completely apparently!

For me, well, the past is the past. I can’t be upset with how my parents handled, or didn’t handle, the sex talk. We just didn’t have those conversations in my house back then. Maybe your home was different.

I’m sharing all of this because it’s so important for us, our children’s parents, to educate them – “the talk” included. While teacher lead videos and lectures are great – we need to broach this delicate topic at home first and talk openly about the birds and the bees. We shouldn’t be shy, and we shouldn’t be ashamed. After all, it’s a part of life, and if we aren’t honest with our children and talk to them openly then they’ll hear all sorts of wrong information from schoolyard gossip or even worse – made decisions about their body and virtue when they’re too young to understand.

Do you talk about sex with your kids? And how do you know when it’s the right time to have “the talk” with them? Timing, I suppose, is dependent on the child. Personally, I initiate conversations slowly and let them ask questions, and then I’ll answer as honestly as I feel necessary for their age. I don’t want them to have the same ill conceptions I had when I was young!

Written by Jamma Tardif 

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