Son, we’ve thought about it, and we need to replace Fortnite. It’s just not working for us. Take it from the parent’s perspective where we see you in profile Friday-Sunday: Your appearance resembles that of a bus driver; where you sit up straight, the controller on your lap is the steering wheel, and the TV screen, the pavement. You dutifully keep your eyes on the road ahead despite someone calling your name (it’s us, your parents), as you bark orders into your headset, “Dude, back me up. I need some ammo and bandages.”

We hear you talking to your crew and foraging for weapons on your journey to be the last man/team standing. We see flashes of you as you run, I’m not kidding you always run, by us on the way to the kitchen or the restroom. You spend a lot of time and energy on this game and are exhibiting signs of a fantastic work ethic, great job. However, every person needs to take a break. A nice long break.

Frankly, your obsession with Fortnite is driving us crazy.

Your father and I have come up with some non-electronic replacements for Fortnite. These choices offer some of the same attributes that Fortnite does so you should feel right at home. We anticipate you’ll be thrilled by all of these options; however you can only choose one.

Option 1. Give island life a try

Pitch a tent in the backyard with no survival supplies, no teammates. You will need to forage for your healing items, weapons, and shields. It will be unbelievably realistic; we’ll supply the storm. Plus your dad and I have invested in our version of chug jugs and slurp juice. We’re here for the long haul.

Option 2. Build fortifications

We are in dire need of a multi-level lattice for our backyard. Build one; your survival depends on it.

Option 3. Use maps for the greater good

Find your way to your room. Use extreme caution; there are likely dead bodies camouflaged by dirty clothes on the floor. You are the commander of this base. Your mission: clean out your closet of old clothes, train sets, nerf guns and legos. You must make room for storm shield storage. Take all the time you need to make it right.

Option 4. Partake in necessary team building

Spend a weekend on a deserted island with your sister. You will have access to food and shelter. However, there will be no source of entertainment; you two must work together to survive. You can earn a trip off the island when, in a non-violent manner, you get your sister to stop singing.

Option 5. Engage in another activity that is pointless and a time-suck

Pick up the dog’s poo and arrange alphabetically.

Complete one of these missions, and you will have restored your parent’s sanity and brought our family back to its normal state.



This post originally appeared on Sarcastic Shorty.

Missy Hunter goes by many traditional labels; wife, mom, friend, sassy lady, book lover, part-time athlete, writer. What she truly is though, is unapologetically sarcastic. Missy is the voice behind Connect with her on social at


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