6 Reasons this 40ish-Year-Old Doesn’t Want a Wedding Invite

I used to love getting wedding invitations in my 20’s. It meant I got to buy a sexy dress and a pair of heels I really didn’t need. It meant I could possibly catch the bouquet and be the next in line to get married even though I didn’t have a boyfriend. It also meant I might meet a boyfriend that night, or better yet, have a one-night stand and get luckier than catching someone’s used flowers. Damn those were good times.

But now I’m in my 40’s.

And while I’ve had the privilege of going to countless weddings thrown by family members and friends, truth be told, it’s highly possible I may not want to go to another one (outside of my children’s) ever again. So if you need to spare expenses, or feel guilty Aunt Mildred has to get cut from your already overflowing guest list – cross my ass off.  I won’t be offended.

And here’s why:

1. Clothing Conundrum

I don’t have shit to wear. The only place this mom ventures off to is the park and Chick-fil-A, so I’m usually clothed in yoga pants or a pair of ripped jeans – and not because my super stylish-self bought them that way – they are just old as dirt. Seriously girlfriend, I don’t own a single cocktail dress to recycle for your event. And honestly, I’d rather use a hundred and fifty bucks on a spa day to massage away every toddler meltdown-induced muscle spasm in my body than on a formal frock I’ll only wear for four hours (since I’ll be in bed by 10:00 pm anyway).

2. Children Welcome!

The thought of getting on an airplane to take my entire family on a mini vacation from hell because you thoughtfully chose to include children on your special day (since most of us got knocked up the last time we went to a wedding) sounds effing peachy. Thanks for that. I’d rather take a rain check for a girls’ weekend (40 and up; no exceptions at my shindig) instead of shelling out thousands of shillings on four seats of airfare, a room in a coveted castle hotel, and children’s evening wear that will get stained and pissed on in seconds. Besides, this bash sounds so royal that I’d like to save it for Kate and William. They’re better at handling these fancy affairs than my thug crew.

3. Bridesmaid Anyone?

Before we go any further the answer is: “Hell to the no.” Please don’t ask me to be a bridesmaid. Ever. Did I mention I’m not twenty anymore?  If you’re really my friend, you’ll spare me the pain of having to get an “I Love Lucy” vintage updo, and a silk gown identical to every girl in the bridal party so we can look like a group of 40-year-old quintuplets who got switched at birth. Besides, a frilly, prom dress for old people is a bigger waste of money than a cocktail dress. And usually ugly as shit.

4. The Hangover

At this stage in my life, if I’ m going to a wedding, I want to drink until the sun comes up (or until 10:00 pm) like I’m hanging out at a Vegas casino. Much to my chagrin, I won’t be enjoying shots with the bride because I have to rise and shine to the sounds of my children’s internal clock, which starts blaring I’M HUNGRY! at 6:00 am. Unfortunately, my little humans don’t give Mom a free pass for a goodtime migraine or relentless party puking. Selfish beasts.

5. Dancing (Don’ts)

For the love of all things tasteful, I don’t ever want to do the Macarena, chicken dance or some other outdated choreographed routine to show off my old school moves because you wanna Turn This Mutha Out. That era is long gone, and when you play that music (which we both know you will), I’ll be long gone too. So save yourself a stamp and don’t worry about inviting me in the first place.

6. Tying the (Nauseating) Knot

Honestly, having to stare at you and your significant other teary eyed, rubbing noses, and reading melodramatic vows you’ve totally ripped off from “The Notebook” makes me want to gag. Blech. See, I just did it. The reality is I haven’t felt that sappy in a decade, and in ten years from now, you probably won’t either. (Um, hellooooo! That’s why they call it the honeymoon phase, people.)

So here’s an idea. Send me the link to your magical wedding photos, and upload the video on YouTube. I can relax and watch your “I Dos’” on my iPad over a 6-count chicken nugget meal rather than listen to my children complain because I ordered them fruit instead of fries. Better yet, it will be a nice distraction from seeing snot-faced, maniacs whooping it up on an indoor playground that I generally avoid at all costs – kinda like weddings.

 
About the author: Nicole Hardy is a 40ish-year-old mom of two, obsessed with coffee, her children and her hair. After 14 years in Corporate America, she’s ditched her cubicle for her calling, and launched her blog: She Emerges. She’s finding herself, feeding her soul, and baby she’s emerging! Follow her on Facebook,  Twitter and  Instagram.