I’m not here to chide people who don’t want children or wonder why anyone wouldn’t want to know the joy of raising a part of herself.
I’m here to apologize.
Not so long ago, I was one of those judgmental assholes who simply couldn’t comprehend not wanting kids. I knew the practical reasons, like: “They cost too much money,” and “I value my freedom.” I just couldn’t relate because kids have always been a part of my life plan.
But I get it now. I really do. It took having a real live human of my own to truly see the ins and outs of raising a child. I guess this is where I toss in the “I wouldn’t trade my baby for the world” disclaimer.
Here are the reasons (besides lack of money, sleep, and freedom) I have stopped judging people who don’t want parasites – I mean kids:
1) They Eat All Your Food
I don’t just mean you have to buy extra food to feed them. I mean they eat all of YOUR food. If you sit down to a meal with your kid, you can bet he is going to want what’s on your plate. It doesn’t matter if he’s eating the exact same thing. He knows it’s not really the same. You’re trying to trick him, and he’s onto you. So hand over the food on your plate. But don’t just give him your plate because then it becomes his plate, and it’s not good anymore. And don’t you dare take a bite off of his plate or there will be a “Mine!” meltdown, the likes of which you have never seen. After this twisted dinner scenario that’s like a toddler version scene from the Princess Bride, you will be reduced to chewing on half-eaten chicken bits while you clear the table.
The same goes for any treat you usually enjoy. Go ahead. Try to eat that cookie in peace without your offspring demanding a “Bite! Bite! Biiiiiiite!” And forget about trying to take a single sip of alcohol while the kids are awake. I was once chased from living room to kitchen while I held a glass of wine in my hand. Ear-piercing shrieks rang out: “Drink! Drink! Drink! Mom! Pweeeeeeeeaaassssseeeee!!!” Well, at least she said, “Please.” None of my college drinking buddies ever said that.
2. You Can’t Be Sick in Peace
My whole house just got over the stomach bug. Forget about recovering from sickness in peace. You don’t even get to be sick in peace. “Oh, you have to throw up? Sorry, Mom. Me first!” And because you have to share every food and drink with your kid, you are guaranteed to catch whatever she catches. After all, you’re teaching her to share, right?
3. Judgment from All Sides
You think people judge you now? If you can’t effectively deal with people sticking their nose in your business now, DO NOT have children. Nothing brings out the crazies and life experts like creating another human (who they will eventually judge based on how you raised him).
I was once called “stuck up” because of the major I chose in college (seriously). Yeah, I was annoyed and a little ticked off, but whatever. I brushed it off and moved on. That doesn’t even touch the anger I felt when people criticized my parenting by calling my kid “spoiled” or “deprived” (somehow, my kid is both).
4. You Will Get Scratched… A Lot
Here’s something no one ever told me: Babies are born with razor-sharp talons. And they only get worse as they get older. You’re going to be scratched on the face, neck, and arms. They usually do it by accident (sometimes on purpose – hello, temper tantrum), but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. And good freaking luck cutting their nails. “Just clip them while she’s sleeping!” people will say. What if she doesn’t sleep?
My point is, if you enjoy having skin on your face, don’t have kids.
5. Personal Space is a Thing of the Past
I’ve heard (ignorant) people blame breastfeeding for having a clinging child, but the truth is, it doesn’t matter. Whether you formula feed or breastfeed, your body will no longer be your own (this goes for Dad’s too). Sit on the couch? Prepare to have your toddler stick her feet in your face. Bend down on the floor to pick up toys? Surprise! It’s a trap! Now you’re a horse! Eat a meal? See above and put toddler in your lap.
If you hate being touched and absolutely need your personal space, don’t have kids.
6. Say Goodbye to Makeup, Manicures, and New Clothes
Well, maybe you don’t have to say “Goodbye.” It’s more like “See you later.” These things will go the way of the friends you still love spending time with after you’ve had kids but just don’t have the time, energy, or funds to make it happen as often as you would like.
I regret being such a Judgy McJudgerson in the past about people who don’t want kids. I get it now, guys. Sorry for being such an asshat. Maybe we can be friends. I promise you don’t have to change any diapers.
Nadine works at home as a freelance writer and babysitter and is a mom to one energetic, chatty toddler. In her spare time, she watches Friends reruns while contemplating the meaning of life and devouring the junk food she hid from her husband and kid. She accomplishes all of this while putting off housework.
You can follow Nadine on her brand new blog, Focus On Yourself where she blogs about living a selfish life considerate of your own needs. You can also check her out on Facebook, Twitter,and Pinterest.
