If you’re anything like me, your Facebook feed of late has been filled with first-person accounts about the natural wonder that is apple cider vinegar. People around the world claim that it will clear up all of your skin blemishes when used as a toner, make your hair healthier when used in place of conditioner, and if ingested regularly, it will detox your shit tunnel so your colon can sparkle like a diamond in spite of the Taco Bell you just ate.

Amazing! Is there anything apple cider vinegar can’t do?

That’s exactly what I was determined to find out. For the duration of one full week—from Monday to Sunday—I used apple cider vinegar for literally every thing I did, and this is what happened:

Pickled Coffee
To start the morning right, I figured that I could detox my innards and get my daily dose of caffeine at the same time by making my coffee using apple cider vinegar instead of water. I’m all about multitasking, so I was pleasantly surprised when I deeply inhaled that steaming, full-bodied aroma and it disintegrated every last one of my nose hairs. I am, however, saddened to report that it did nothing about my chin hair.

Toilet Paper Substitute
Morning coffee is the harbinger of digestive regularity so when I had to do the doo, I opted to skip the toilet paper and blast my viscous crack, bidet-style, with apple cider vinegar. Being an American owner of a standard toilet, I had to get a little creative. Turns out, all you need is a Waterpik. Fill the water reservoir with apple cider vinegar and voila! You’ve got yourself a portable bidet. I felt oddly refreshed after the burning sensation finally passed, but it got the job done and no trees were harmed in the process. I briefly considered making that a permanent, eco-friendly lifestyle change.

Body Maintenance
I won’t lie. Used in the shower, apple cider vinegar actually did seem to make my hair shinier and more manageable. I wouldn’t have thought so, being a brand whore for my favorite conditioner, but it really works. Apple cider vinegar doesn’t lather worth a shit when added to a pouf, however. It just dripped right through the netting and onto the shower floor. Not one to be swayed from her course so easily, I ended up splashing it around on my body and hoping for the best. Used as a toothpaste, apple cider vinegar was nothing short of awful. It tasted so bad, you guys. Imagine giving a blow job to a pickled herring covered in sauerkraut—it was exactly like that.

Dinner Preparations
Day 1: Chicken Soup For The Sanctimonious Soul was on the menu.  Made from fresh dark meat chicken pieces, I usually simmer the chicken in water with onions, celery leaves, salt, and various seasonings, until the chicken is cooked and falling off of the bones and a rich, flavorful broth has been formed. It’s one of my family’s favorite meals. This time, I replaced all of the water with apple cider vinegar.

Day 2 and onward: After the emetic disaster that was dinner on Day 1, my family opted to order takeout for the rest of the week so I didn’t have to cook dinner for six whole days. In a row. I call that a win.

A Grim Discovery
Midway through the week, I found out that I was doing this apple cider vinegar thing all wrong. Did you know that there are two kinds of apple cider vinegar? There’s the regular stuff that I had been using, which is colorless and clear, and then there’s the “Raw, Unfiltered Apple Cider Vinegar,” a brown, opaque liquid that looks an awful lot like diarrhea water and smells like rancid gym socks. Who knew, right? Apparently, the raw, unfiltered version is full of natural enzymes and we all know that anything with natural enzymes is, of course, better than anything without.

For the rest of the week, I made all of the appropriate changes to my apple cider vinegar routine, using nothing but the raw, unfiltered “liquid gold” for the remainder of my experiment.

Marital Relations
By Thursday night, my husband decided that the couch in our living room was not a far enough respite from the miasmic stench that was oozing from my pores, so he moved into our barn. We communicated via texting, as though my repulsive odor would somehow permeate the cellular phone line if we spoke to each other verbally. He told me he loved me very much and that he was proud of my pioneering spirit and determination. He also threatened to divorce me if I ever did something like this again.

Our kids fled to my mother’s house twenty miles away because, according to my eldest, “The air is better there.” My dogs refused to come back into the house and instead took up new residence in the driveway. Whenever I managed to make eye contact with one of them through the window, she would look away in sadness and disgust, pretending not to know me.

Therapy
On Friday, I sat down to have a heart-to-heart therapy session with my apple cider vinegar. I spoke of my woes, my hopes and dreams, my concerns about global warming and Donald Trump. I asked it, repeatedly, what it thought about my life choices but it just sat there, quietly mocking me. It didn’t offer me one sympathetic word of advice or support. I decided that apple cider vinegar is the worst therapist ever. I might as well have been talking to a brick wall for all the good it did.

Final Observations
On Saturday, I drew my experiment to a close one day early because I was lonely. So lonely. I don’t understand why people think apple cider vinegar is a cure-all miracle for every thing under the sun. My life completely fell apart at the hands of apple cider vinegar! Thankfully, my family has moved back into the house but they seem… changed. I’m not quite sure how to explain it, but they never make any sudden movements and they all speak very softly now. It’s almost as though they are afraid of me.

Let my experience serve as a lesson to every one of you. Do not be fooled by the hype. Apple cider vinegar is a goddamned menace to society.

Author

A lover of lapsang souchong tea, unnaturally-colored hair, and Oxford commas, Alison’s stories are written with a signature blend of humor and brutal honesty. She often jokes that she became a writer so she could speak to the masses without actually having to TALK to them face to face, but words are indeed her greatest strength. She revels in weaving them together to tell an entertaining story, rouse laughter, offer reassurance, provide sympathy, or just to give the world a piece of her mind.

2 Comments

    • Thank you! 🙂 I have a giant bottle of the raw ACV sitting in my cupboard but I’m too afraid to open it and use it for anything now…

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