Somewhere between changing butts and blubbering like a fool as your child leaves for college (or bartending school, if you failed) there is a huge portion of parenting that basically involves teaching your child how to NOT be an Asshole. Whether it’s using their manners or driving their first car, it’s up to us to ensure that they put their best foot forward with every step they take into the world. There’s just one little problem: If you haven’t noticed, a lot of people are assholes, and those assholes are raising tiny asshole spawn. So, in the hopes of curbing this unfortunate aspect of society, this series covers apologizing to yawning and everything in between! Here’s my tried and true methods to NOT being an Asshole.
How to NOT be an Asshole: Shopping Edition
I LOVE shopping! When I’m not shopping, I’m thinking about shopping! Ironically, when I am shopping I don’t do much buying. I spend a lot of time looking, and wandering, and sorting through sales racks looking for the perfect items, but not a lot of time actually buying. All of this shopping has given me plenty of time to observe my fellow shopper’s habits, and you know what, World? I am not liking what I’m seeing!
So, here’s 5 Easy Steps on how NOT to shop like an Asshole!
1. Don’t Coupon During Rush Hour! Listen, couponers, I love you. I appreciate your tenacity in trying to squeeze money out of nothing. If I had more patience I’d be right there with you. But, we’ve got a problem! I don’t mind that you’re couponing so much as when you’re couponing! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been caught in line on my way home from work or in the weekend rush behind someone who’s arguing some sort of coupon-disaster with the cashier. If you have the time to carefully cut out, print off & sort hundreds of coupons before your shopping trip, don’t you think you could schedule it for later in the evening, or at a less busy time of day? Puhlease? Don’t be an asshole and know when to use your coupons!
2. Don’t Wait ‘Til The Last Minute — This one is mostly for the Dad’s out there (so naturally it’ll never be read or used!) but here goes: If you’re going to wait until the last possible second to buy your wife’s Christmas present, don’t complain about how busy the mall is on Christmas eve, or that you couldn’t find one in her size, or that you don’t know what to buy! Put a “It’s Christmas Eve!” reminder in your phone’s calendar on the first Saturday in September. I promise they still have the wrapping stations open then, too! Don’t be an asshole and wait until there’s nothing good left to buy!
3. Don’t Stop In The Middle of The Hall! — So we’re walking along, trying to make it to the next aisle and all of a sudden I’m running into the person ahead of me! Why do people seem to think it’s okay to STOP WALKING in the middle of a WALK WAY and assume everyone is just going to go around them? We won’t. I’m so damned polite and Canadian I usually stop behind them and clear my throat really loud and say “Um, uh, excuse me” politely as I try to navigate around them. Don’t be an asshole and be aware of who is around you!
4. Be prepared! The girl guides got this one right! When we’re standing in line at the check-out, get your crap ready. All you’re doing is sitting there waiting for the guy in front of you to be done, so once you’ve got your stuff on the conveyor belt, quit picking your nose and pay attention! Pull your wallet out, know which card you’re going to use and get your shit together! They even have these handy-dandy things called phones, where you can check your account balances online before you hit the cashier just to make sure you’ve got enough money to pay for everything! No more embarrassing “Oh put that one back, and that one, and uhh… that one too” moments! (Don’t worry, I used to have those all the time!) — Don’t be an asshole and wait until the last possible second to get your wallet out!
5. Common Courtesy, People! Don’t walk too close behind others. Don’t push. Wait your turn to get on/off and elevator/escalator. Stand Right / Walk Left. Let the little old lady or the woman with 4 kids and 3 items go ahead of you! Don’t be an asshole and pretend like you’re the only person on the planet!
If you follow these five SIMPLE steps, you’ll be on your way to awesome-ville in no time!
You can shop ’til you drop, as long as you do it without being an asshole!
Have a suggestion for the “How to NOT be an Asshole” series? Leave it in the comments!
3 Comments
On the internet? At a party? On public transit? I got a million of em here 🙂
Oh I HATE the aisle blockers! Like they are the only ones in the store! I have been known to push past them and then block the aisle in front of them in a way that they can NOT go around, like turning my cart sideways and standing in front of it, staring at the ceiling!
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