Somewhere between changing butts and blubbering like a fool as your child leaves for college (or bartending school, if you failed) there is a huge portion of parenting that basically involves teaching your child how to NOT be an Asshole. Whether it’s using their manners or driving their first car, it’s up to us to ensure that they put their best foot forward with every step they take into the world. There’s just one little problem: If you haven’t noticed, a lot of people are assholes, and those assholes are raising tiny asshole spawn. So, in the hopes of curbing this unfortunate aspect of society, this series covers apologizing to yawning and everything in between! Here’s my tried and true methods to NOT being an Asshole.
How NOT to be an Asshole: The Interwebs Edition
Come close, little buddies, sit around the circle and let Auntie Christella tell you about how to use the interwebs. You see, I’ve been using the interwebs since I was a wee little thing. My first internet came on a disc and it was called “Dial Up”. It made a terrible sound and went so slow you could take pee and coffee breaks before your pictures would load. Having been an active internet user for so long, I can tell you a thing or two about how it all works. No, not the technical mumbo jumbo, (that’s done by magic fairies living on ethernet farms!) but the way people should behave online! With the advent of smart technology people have lost a human-ness, I think. We’re all so busy spouting our own opinions (Hi kettle, I’m Pot!) that we fail to see the human beings at the computer on the other end. So, here’s a few tips and tricks for maintaining a non-asshole status on the internet:
1. Use abbreviations and web-speak sparingly. OMG LOL I totally know, but seriously R U going to DTMFA? Nothing dumbs someone down faster than the inability to formulate and articulate a sentence. The old notion of “but it’s on the internet, so it doesn’t matter” just does NOT apply, I’m sorry. No one is going to take you seriously as long as you’re using “KK!” instead of “Okay, sure!” — Don’t be an asshole and use proper grammar, spelling and punctuation.
2. Sexting & Posting Naughty Pics. Nothing says “I’m the best candidate for this job!” more than a quick google search results page showing scantily clad images of your college years. The most important thing you can remember, whether you’re 13 or 31 is “Once it’s online, it’s online FOREVER!” — Have you ever seen that thing where you can look up websites in their previous formats and designs? It’s pretty cool, but those technology fairies I was talking about know their shit! They’re more than happy to track down any photos you thought you deleted no problem! — Don’t be an asshole and ask yourself how you’d feel about your kindergarten-aged child seeing your half-naked keg stand from 2004!
3. Being A Troll. Between typhoons and Rob Ford, I’m pretty sure the world has seen its share of sadness and baboonery for a lifetime. There’s no need for you to spend your afternoons on 4chan looking for ways to ruin people’s lives. Why not use your internet nerdery for something good, like crowd-funding a project to get you laid! BAM! — Don’t be an asshole by spending your time looking for ways to troll and hack people.
4. Posting Pictures of your Food. Okay, the occasional food post is okay, especially when your cheeseburger is looking particularly juicy! That being said, instagramming every meal you eat, every cookie you cram in your pie-hole? It’s not okay. Nothing says “I have zero personality” more than an twitter feed full of your recent eats. — Don’t be an asshole and eat your food before it gets cold, damnit! (Not applicable to food bloggers.)
5. Ditch the Haterade. Opinions are like assholes: Everyone’s got one and they all seem to stink! If you don’t agree with a blogger, social influencer or personality there’s really no need to sign in to a site just to bash their point of view. Haters are going to hate, yes… but why? Being a blogger or a public figure doesn’t give people the right to slander us or call us names, in fact the more we keep saying that, the worse its going to get! If you disagree with a post, formulate an educated opinion and share… don’t run in swinging and expect for people to think you’re anything but an idiot! — Don’t be an asshole and lose the attitude, chump!
The internet is a privilege, people! One that many many folks around the world don’t have, so why waste your luck being an asshole? There are so many amazing things online, go forth and find them! (Then come back and share, ’cause we love that shit!)
Have a suggestion for the “How to NOT be an Asshole” series? Leave it in the comments!