I recently re-joined a gym.

I had been working out on my own for the past year and decided it is much more motivating to work out around people who are also working out. Apparently one year is the amount of time it takes for your brain to forget how annoying a place the gym can be. Not the gym itself, but the people who inhabit it. I have managed to compile a list of the most annoying people I witnessed in just one week back to the glory that is group fitness.

1. Not re-racking your equipment
See how the rack holds the dumbbells in varying weights all lined up in a pretty row? Once you are finished, put yours back in the spot that is vacant. Last time I checked, your mom doesn’t train here.

2. Locker room nudity
I understand by walking into the locker room, I may risk seeing a nip slip or ass cheek. I do not, however, wish to see you stand buck naked while drying your hair. It is especially uncomfortable when you bend over to dry the back. It’s virtually impossible not to look, I’m only human. Seeing anyone’s chocolate starfish before I’ve had my coffee is a deal breaker.

3. Not wiping down your equipment
No one wants to sit in a pile of your ass juice. There are free towels every 15 feet, take one and clean that shit up.

4. Hogging equipment
This is especially frustrating if you are talking on your phone while 5 people stand and wait for the treadmill you are walking at a 1.0 speed on. My grandma’s motorized stair lift goes faster than you are right now. I realize the phone may slip out of your hand if you actually break a sweat, but luckily there will be at least 5 people there to catch it.

5. Choosing a spot right next to me
I’m not sure if you’ve heard of this idea called “personal space” but it’s catching on. If I’m in a group fitness class and everyone else is spaced arm’s length away from each other, do not stand close enough that I can feel your breath on my neck. We’re not speed dating here. This also goes for grocery check-out lanes, elevators, and urinals.

6. The Braggers
These folks will tell anyone that will listen the length of time they have been working out. “Two hours down, one to go.” They walk into their “third class” of the day. They already did 1,000 lunges before they got here. They can also be identified by the head-to-toe Lululemon outfit, including matching headband. This isn’t Wimbledon, John McEnroe.

7. Anyone who talks in or around equipment
I know everyone is sweating bullets and is scantily clad, but we are not clubbing here. The gym is a place to get in and out of as fast as humanly possible. I don’t want to shoot the shit and I certainly don’t want to eavesdrop on your life story, which is exactly what I will do because I forgot my headphones.

Perhaps I am better served working out alone after all.

Julie Scagell
Author

Julie has a Masters degree in Psychology, which has proved useless in trying to understand her teenaged daughter. She has the attention span of a gnat, zero sense of direction and loses at least 3 things every day. Except for a minor situation at a county fair, her children are not on the short list of items she’s lost. She is extremely proud of this. You can find her writing on Facebook or Twitter. She has been published on the Washington Post, Babble, McSweeney’s, Scary Mommy, and Huffington Post, among others.

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