Can We Stop With The Bumper Stickers?

It seems I can’t leave my driveway without seeing a car sporting a bumper sticker.

I’m not a fan of bumper stickers.

I’m not sure I understand the point of them. Sure, if I ever ran a marathon you better believe I’d slap a big ol’ ‘26.2’ on my car because, hello, I just ran 26.2 fucking miles. Beyond that, I’m not sure there is anything I feel passionate enough about to ruin my car’s paint.

Parents seem to be the worst type of offender. We’ve all seen more than our share of pimped out minivans and family friendly cars decked out in various stages of bragging. Your choice of bumper sticker says a lot about you as a parent and as a person.

Allow me to highlight a few.

Proud Parent of an Honor Roll Student at XYZ Elementary
The only people who care about your honor roll student are the people inside your car. I don’t mean to be a dick here, but your kid is in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. Short of gluing his head to his desk, little Tommy was a shoe in. Those of you with the “My Golden Retriever is smarter than your honor roll student” aren’t off the hook. Your dog chases his tail and licks his balls; he’s not getting into Harvard either.

My Child Has Perfect Attendance at XYZ Elementary
Congratulations, you did your job as a parent getting them off to school every day. And after all that attending, your kid obviously didn’t make the honor roll, otherwise we all know you’d have a sticker for that. My bet is in about 10 years we will see you driving around with a “Parent of a kid going through the motions at Community College” sticker.

Any Sticker that Tries to be Funny
Some examples include: “Proud Parent of a Parolee – Don’t leave your keys in your car” or “I’m speeding ’cause my kid has to poop” and “Honk if one of the kids flies out.” I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you are about as funny as the movie Titanic.

Stick Families
This series of stickers outlining exactly how many children and pets you have is a real head scratcher. Most people who decorate their cars with stick figure families own minivans. That sort of takes the guess-work out of knowing you procreate. Odds are the on- dimensional family on your back windshield is infinitely more fun than you are.

Kids Sports Stickers
We know you are proud of your kid. We see you screaming from the sidelines at every soccer match like it’s the World Cup. Your high school days are over; it’s time to cut the cord. No matter how good little Tommy is at soccer, it’s not going to bring back your glory days. Also, you can take off your old letter jacket. It’s like, 90 degrees out here.

Private School Bumper Stickers
This appears to be an Olympic sport in some cities. A competition for parents to shove as many stickers as possible on their Land Rovers touting their child’s private schooling pedigree. I’m thinking this may be less about school pride and more about bragging rights for the parents. Though I’m certain your child’s designer crayons are far superior to my kids’ public school crayons.

My Kid is Gluten Free
Parents, we are driving down the highway. No one is going to pull you over and shove a dinner roll down your kid’s throat!

I think it’s time we leave the bumper stickers to political nut jobs and rednecks, yes?