Dear “Perfect Mom Posse”:

SUCK IT!

You arrived at the bus stop early with three kids in tow and an infant strapped to your chest, stylishly coiffed hair, professionally-applied make up, knock-out body, envy-inducing outfit, sugary sweet attitude, and completely rested expression. I see your over-achievement in perfection,  and I raise you a “Suck it! Because I don’t care!”

That’s right! I totally squealed my tires as I arrived just in time to see the school bus pull away. And just for your information, I did it on purpose! We were being fashionably late–ever heard of it? Pffft, of course I’m fully aware that my shirt is on backwards. I like it that way, the tag scratches my neck! And those cheerios in my hair – I’m saving them for my drive into work.

Obviously, I remembered to sign my son’s agenda and return the hot lunch form; I just wanted to hand them in personally on my lunch break! I didn’t volunteer for school council because I already serve several other community charities whose names escape me right now, but I assure you they are very important. And don’t even ask… I assure you, I didn’t leave the house in a complete disaster this morning because I was running late – it’s because I enjoy having double the mess to clean up after the kids go to bed! It’s called “ME-TIME.”

Ok – you got me! I’m not “Perfect Mom Posse” material! I’ll never be welcomed into that club with open arms.

It’s true…I don’t make homemade crafts, I can’t bake, I don’t look good in the morning, I suck at gardening and my kids aren’t on organic diets. My children occasionally watch TV, play video games and stay up late. They are not on a strict “cannot be broken” schedule or routine and NEVER were.

I don’t like children’s shows and I find sing-song games with hoards of agonizingly fake people completely lame. I’ve flipped the bird in the car, dropped the occasional f-bomb, fed my kids fast food, would never care to learn “how to make homemade linen spray,” and find recipe talk boring as hell. I don’t pre-plan the perfect salad for summer get-togethers and I’ve been hung-over, recently, and badly.

I have ill-conceived tattoos from my youth, I make mistakes, and I did not video tape the birth of my children, but I was the first in line to scream “GIVE ME DRUGS DAMMIT!” I like my career; it makes me feel fulfilled, and *gasp*, I enjoy the time away from the house. I do crash diets constantly and cheat on those diets every other day. What can I say…I love carbs! I set out exercise plans, but I’m usually way too lazy to adhere to them.

I am not perfect.

The mere thought of keeping up with the “Perfect Mom Posse” is absolutely exhausting and anger-inducing. It makes me want to cram an organic apple down your throat and stuff your head into a bucket of your own homemade sensory beads. Your perfection often makes me wonder: What am I doing wrong? How do you make it look so easy? How do you keep up with everything? TELL ME!!!!!

BUT the thing is…. as I age (shudders) I am starting to realize – I don’t really give a shit! Being perfect sucks. It’s predictable, boring and it’s just not me! My life is total chaos at times, BUT my kids are awesome and very happy! Both my husband and I are well-educated, we have successful careers, own a beautiful home and we are very much in love. Our children are smart, well-adjusted kids. They have nice clothing and are (usually) mostly clean. They participate in sports and are encouraged to explore new things. We focus on the importance of academics and we participate in school activities, when we can.

So… for the purposes of my own sanity, I will assume the old cliché rings true: the grass is always greener on the other side. For my own selfish salvation, I will picture your life behind closed doors as a vision of pure chaos and insanity, with nothing but your perfect pumps and tight ass standing between you and your inevitable nervous breakdown.

Perhaps I should assemble my own troops of super-awesome women!

“PIMP” – Perfectly Imperfect Mom Posse

Or how about…

“Hmm” – Hot Mess Moms!

I’m still working on some clever names and acronyms…but you get the idea. All Moms welcome and no requirements to join!

Written by Candace Livingstone
Blogs at www.threesqueezes123.blogspot.ca
On Twitter as @Candace_LL

Author

Wannabe's are Guest Authors to BLUNTmoms. They might be one-hit wonders, or share a variety of posts with us. They "may" share their names with you, or they might write as "anonymous" but either way, they are sharing their stories and their opinions on our site, and for that we are grateful.

4 Comments

  1. LOL! Thank you, I will accept membership. I am a hockey mom and drove my daughter to the wrong rink twice last year for games. Why? Because I wanted to get to that 3000 mile oil change marker quicker..so there.

  2. I think I just found my soul-mate. If I believed in that sort of thing… But you, my fellow PIMP, are pretty damn close!

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