Every successful weight-loss program begins with someone standing in front of a mirror saying, “I want to make a change.”
“I want to be healthy.”
“I want to feel better.”
“I want to look different.”
“I want something for myself.”
My decision.
My attitude.
My strength.
My willpower.
My drive to get up every day and stay focused on achieving my goal.
No matter which plan or program you follow, losing weight is one of the most solitary things you can do.
This is why I don’t want to hear you say, “wow, you look great!”
What you have left unsaid is the implied counterpart, “I didn’t think that you looked great before.”
By forcing me to accept your effusive praise, you are also forcing me to give you some of the credit for my efforts.
This was never about you, your opinions or your praise. It was about me doing something for myself.
Even worse, when you say those words out loud, you make the conversation bigger than me and you. Without even realizing it, your exclamation draws the attention of everyone around us.
The little ears sitting nearby. The impressionable young minds that are absorbing everything around them. The woman who can’t bear to see her own image in the mirror because of those last few pounds. They won’t know my reasons for losing weight. They won’t know if it was on purpose or an accident, if it was done in a healthy manner or by passing hours a day heaving over a toilet.
All they will hear is someone saying:
“You count for more because you are now less.” “Your weight defines my perception of you.” “Your weight is the first thing I notice about you.””Your value in this world goes up as the size of your butt goes down.”
Don’t make me complicit in perpetuating this damaging psychological attack on me and everyone around us. Don’t make me into the poster child, willingly or unwittingly, for your values.
I am and always will be the same person and a few inches more or less isn’t going to change that.
Don’t tell me that I look great.
6 Comments
This. Exactly this! I have lost and gained more than 25 pounds twice and each time those “compliments” leave me feeling hollow rather than proud. I don’t notice my weight gain except for the number on the scale and which clothes are tight. I like how I look at any weight and I would hope that friends and acquaitences would too, and if not, just keep it to themselves.
You always make me look at something from a different perspective.
As someone who has worked their ass off, changed everything about my day to day life and made time that I didn’t have to a) cook food I hope is as good as it is healthy and b) sweat and cry and pray for a Trainspotting-type death, I respectfully disagree. I understand that I was a great human being 60 pounds ago, but I hated myself. I am not “better” down a few sizes but I am more confident, able and agile. Perhaps it’s the way my friends and family have expressed their thoughts, framing it as “holy shit, you have worked really hard” or the way my particular brain listens, but I love it. Vain, greedy, silly, needing approval – all valid reasons why I love it. I honestly accept the compliments with a glow about me – I am proud of myself for following through on something I had said I would do for 7 years. The support from others keeps me chugging along. The conversations I have that are started by a compliment always end up in the sharing of goals, tips, recipes, ways to squeeze in exercise and how grateful I am to have friends and family who help me carve out the time to take better care of myself. I like to think that these conversations might even make someone else’s head go – wait, if she could do it, maybe I could too. Because I didn’t think that was possible 7 years ago. I was jealous and bitter of people who lost weigh because I wanted that but the change would have sucked so it was easier to say fuck em and move on. Maybe if I had asked them for help the last 7 years would have not been such a fucking waste. One day at a time I feel better. I need the love and kind words from others. I need that. And if I see someone who has lost weight I will praise their hard ass work in the hopes that they know I get it. It was hard. It sucked. But they made changes and did it.
Ramble on, rambler. And so I go.
It’s fascinating how differently people handle a comment, how differently people deal with, well, everything. And that’s the beauty of the human psyche, of going through experiences both collective and personal with our individual perspectives. I guess the answer is to share and share and share until we reach an understanding of one another. I’ve been on both sides: proud when someone compliments legitimate, hard work to improve my health, and complete disgust at someone complimenting a “positive” change that resulted from self-harm and unhealthiness. So, I guess the answer to this dilemma is complicated, but we can choose our words more carefully, intelligently, thoughtfully and hope that our true intention is gleaned.
Lynne and Brooke, you both opened my eyes and made me learn something today. Thank you. xxx+o
Jess and Brooke – this whole post came out of a very enlightening dinner I had with a friend who has lost a bunch of weight. She has done it the right way – healthy eating and exercise under the guidance of a person trainer. But she has an 11 year old daughter who is a healthy, but not super skinny weight, and has been called “fat” by kids in her school. It was fascinating for me to listen to her explain that she didn’t want the acknowledgment, was being so super careful in how she approached and handled all of the discussions, and effectively putting herself second because she did not want her daughter to feel any pressure to lose weight. I’ve always been a “shout it from the mountaintops” person, but it made me wonder if my perspective would change once my girls get a bit older. I wrote this piece entirely from her point of view because I wanted to try it on for size. And while I may not 100% want to abide by it now, there may come a day when I do. But I love the discourse…and it is all good!
This is a really interesting perspective, and I enjoyed hearing the story behind it. I struggle with my own body weight/issues, and on one hand, I love hearing that I “look great” from time to time. At the same time, I don’t want any of my body issues to transfer to my daughter so I try very hard to never make comments about anything body-related in front of her. Instead I tell her that I exercise to keep my body strong and healthy. I’ve never thought of the “you look great” compliment as a psychological attack, although I can see that side of it. I love this line: “I am and always will be the same person and a few inches more or less isn’t going to change that.” Thanks for the great post.