1. “That child needs a nap.”
Oh really? First of all, up yours. I need a nap. Maybe you need a nap. Maybe my child has colic. Maybe I haven’t been out of the house in three days. I’m un-showered. I wanted to talk to an adult other than my husband. I’m drinking a $5 coffee and engaging in the world for five minutes. Babies cry. Deal with it.
No one knows better than you what your baby needs. Most of the time, you don’t even know. But, a stranger? No. A stranger does not know.
2. “Wow! That’s a lot of baby.”
As I backed (the forklift) up to the scale at my doctor’s office, his PA weighed me. It was obvious I didn’t want to see the number. I practically got whiplash looking at the ceiling. And then she said it: “Wow! That’s a lot of baby.” Really? You little pissant-twenty-something-never-been pregnant-with-a-thyroid-disorder-biatch. No. You do not get to say that and make me feel like an even beachier whale. Did your medical training include communication skills?
Yes, I gained sixty pounds. Not healthy, too much weight, but that’s what happened. I’m an older mom, it’s my second pregnancy, I had some complications, and I ate a lot of cheeseburgers, OK? You are not my doctor. Don’t talk to me about my baby bump mountain.
3. “My baby sleeps through the night.”
OMG, I am this close to strangling every last breath out of your body. Do you see bags the size of Texas under my eyes? Did I not just tell you I haven’t slept in six months? Why? Why would you say that? How is that helpful?
4. “I can’t believe I’ve already lost the baby weight.”
See #2. and screw you anyway.
5. “My husband gets up for every middle-of-the-night diaper change.”
Well, you must be married to a woman, which is awesome, because two moms are better than one.
24 Comments
5 things never to say to a mom of teens:
1. My kid scored a 30 on the ACT. How did your’s do? … (hey, we were lucky to get her there on time as it was. And there’s always next time!)
2. You let your kid stay out that late? Really?… (yes, I do not think 30 minutes after the game is over is unreasonable. But then maybe you can’t trust your kid to make good choices. I can.)
3. My kid would never do that! (oh really? I bet your kid does, and is probably the one that taught my kid to do it!)
4. You make her do chores? Isn’t school enough? (umm..No. How else is she going to learn to take care of herself and her own home? I dont plan on her living with us post-college thankyouverymuch)
5. You let her eat all that? (yes… she may be gorging on fast food right now, but that is not how she eats at every meal, and so what if she is a size 10 instead of a size 2? Her self esteem is outshines most of the girls she knows. She is proud of who she is and doesn’t feel the need to watch every bite that goes into her mouth just so others might like her or accept her more.)
Ha. Love your list. My oldest is actually 12, but I have two boys. The whole eating thing with girls, not going to miss that judgment train. And don’t even get me started on the non chore kids. Since when am I their maid? I’ve been doing my own laundry since I was 10. Now, they do theirs.
LoL I love you! Mine are 15, 12 and 7. I’m totally right there with you.
These made me laugh out loud! =)
Rosemond
http://www.bighairandbooks.blogspot.com
Thank you!
LOL, this is awesome 🙂 I think most women that say #5 are liars, ha
Ya, Carrie, when mine read this he said “Hey, I . . . ” “You were saying dear?”
I thought you were kidding. Uh….you weren’t. Wasn’t drinking coffee (thankfully) but definitely laughed out loud. Loved it!
I can be such a meanie pants with my migraines, I would probably say something rude back. Lots of love and sharing from Austin Bloggers, Lisa
Lisa, I did completely nail a comeback once . . . I was in the grocery store check out, obviously pregnant and the checker said “Oh, you’re pregnant.” I restrained myself the first time, and didn’t say “I am? Holy shit, how did that happen?” But when she asked, in front of a giant line of people, “Are you married?” I couldn’t hold back. “No, it’s my brother’s child. Uh, I’ll take paper, please.” And that’s what you get for asking questions that are NOYB.
When people say #3, what are they trying to accomplish? There’s no helpful tip there, no commiserating, no nothing. Just simply, “I must have done something right and you clearly are a failure.” Thanks! It wasn’t hard enough as it was, now you pointed out I suck, too! And it’s just plain dangerous to say that to someone who hasn’t slept in six months!
Spot on list! Also when they say, “Wow! You’ve sure got your hands full” I always think – – “Lucky for you that’s true because if I didn’t, I’d use one hand to punch you out.” I don’t know what it is about that “hands full” phrase that drives me bonkers but they all always pick that particular phrase. lol
Hahaha, yes the hand’s full is annoying. Really? I hadn’t noticed. Thanks for pointing that out to me. Here you take him, he just had a blow out. Here’s the diaper bag.
This.is.awesome.
Thank you, Julie. Timely 🙂
Popping back in to reinforce how much I love this. And how “full my hands were” today.
Thanks again LMM!
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Oh yes, the turkey is done! People are so stoopid. I especially loved when strangers would come up and put their hands on my giant pulsating belly and just enjoy the shit out of themselves. Stoopid.
Yes, the unwanted touching. That’s a good one, Jill. Can you imagine going up to a stranger and just putting your hand on their belly?! OMG.
Jenny- You writing style is so amazing. I laugh at EVERY single article you put up. “I can’t believe I lost all the baby weight!’ —-I think I said that about 6 months ago….about 6 and a half years after giving birth.
Pingback: From BLUNTmoms | Five Things Never to Say to a Mom – Jenny Kanevsky
I would love to see all five things, but for every post I try to read, a large picture ad covers up the first couple paragraphs. Clicking on it just opens up a link, but doesn’t remove it. Please fix it so I can actually read these posts. It happens every time.