1. “That child needs a nap.”
Oh really? First of all, up yours. I need a nap. Maybe you need a nap. Maybe my child has colic. Maybe I haven’t been out of the house in three days. I’m un-showered. I wanted to talk to an adult other than my husband. I’m drinking a $5 coffee and engaging in the world for five minutes. Babies cry. Deal with it.
No one knows better than you what your baby needs. Most of the time, you don’t even know. But, a stranger? No. A stranger does not know.
2. “Wow! That’s a lot of baby.”
As I backed (the forklift) up to the scale at my doctor’s office, his PA weighed me. It was obvious I didn’t want to see the number. I practically got whiplash looking at the ceiling. And then she said it: “Wow! That’s a lot of baby.” Really? You little pissant-twenty-something-never-been pregnant-with-a-thyroid-disorder-biatch. No. You do not get to say that and make me feel like an even beachier whale. Did your medical training include communication skills?
Yes, I gained sixty pounds. Not healthy, too much weight, but that’s what happened. I’m an older mom, it’s my second pregnancy, I had some complications, and I ate a lot of cheeseburgers, OK? You are not my doctor. Don’t talk to me about my baby
3. “My baby sleeps through the night.”
OMG, I am this close to strangling every last breath out of your body. Do you see bags the size of Texas under my eyes? Did I not just tell you I haven’t slept in six months? Why? Why would you say that? How is that helpful?
4. “I can’t believe I’ve already lost the baby weight.”
See #2. and screw you anyway.
5. “My husband gets up for every middle-of-the-night diaper change.”
Well, you must be married to a woman, which is awesome, because two moms are better than one.