It is that time of year when we are all plagued with snot acorns. You know, the hard booger bits lodged deep in the nasal canal, taunting us. We wiggle our noses Bewitched style. We get the tissue and blow without resolution. We rub the outside of our noses violently. We spray saline. There is only one answer. The pick.
I refuse to pick my nose at a red light. People can easily turn and see what I am up to and I prefer to be singing along to the radio pretending I am on bluetooth. What I don’t understand is why 92.3% of the adult population does not figure out this dynamic? Is Seinfeld forgotten already? Everywhere I turn, people are knuckle deep. I’m not talking one knuckle either. They are up there.
Kids are funny picking their noses. In fact, there are 7,970,000 ‘kids picking their noses’ videos on YouTube. You could actually spend weeks watching nothing but kids picking their noses. Adorable!
An adult picking his/her nose is not funny. We all do it, but it ain’t pretty. Only 69,100,000 videos of adults are on YouTube picking their noses. Wait? Only? That is almost ten times more than the kids’ videos! That is a strange phenomenon. I thought for sure the kids would win out. After all, impulse control is not their strong suit. Maybe all those videos were taken at red light cameras?
Do you see where I am going here? I’m not sure either. Stick with me and you can pick a side.
I would like to start a petition. This petition would be to eliminate the pick stigma. We would be free to pick when we need to. Free to dispose of those rolled up snot bee bees out the car window or make some trouser grout by spreading them on our pants.
Join me in standing up for pickers everywhere. Get those squirrely little buggers out of their hiding spot and free those nasal passages. Free them to take in the air that will need to be filtered by those damn nose hairs again to create more crusties.
If you are in the ‘one way out only’ camp, then pick your righteous mucus elimination technique. We know you want to join the dark side. We will be free of those air blockers long before you can say “saline is awesome”. We will be singing to Taylor Swift at red lights as you frantically massage the bridge of your nose. Rest assured, we will be filming you as you blow out that snot rocket and then we will have the last laugh.
Reading this article would be a good time to pick your nose. Only the computer can see you. I did a pick while writing it. There is no shame in that. But if you are reading this on your phone in the car: 1. Wait until you are out of the car! And 2. Resist the urge. Cameras are watching you. Do you really want to be 69,100,001 before our petition becomes law? Think about it.