Hey Men, How To Make Your Exhausted Wife Want Sex  

We are all familiar with the stereotypical dynamic: the frustrated, sexually-neglected husband and the exhausted, low-libido wife. After years of researching monogamous sexual desire and working with couples in therapy, I have come to the conclusion that men need only do a few things to change this sad scenario.

Here are five ways to get your exhausted wife to want to have sex:

1. Do more housework.  Everyone knows that a man in an apron is sexy.  Right?

2. Send your wife a sweet text-message of appreciation. Women love to be told that they are good mothers and towel-folders. It’s a total sexual turn-on.

3. Bring your wife flowers. Nothing says getting busy like pansies and baby’s breath. For extra points, also tell her politely that she looks “really pretty” as you hand her the bouquet.

4. Politely ask your wife to have sex. Next time she’s standing in the kitchen, pondering aloud the benefits of sleep-training, abruptly knock the baby monitor from your wife’s hand, grab ahold of her wrists, and slam her forearms firmly but gently into the cabinet above her head. When she yelps in surprise, press your dad-bod chest up against her peanut-butter smudged Star Wars t-shirt and whisper, “Stop talking about the damn sleep schedule; In fact just stop talking.”

Tell your wife that it drives you mad with desire to see her in her daily uniform of bleach-stained yoga pants and the way they cling to her ass. Then, while you continue to hold her wrists with one hand, lightly move your other hand up her thigh. Continue tracing her inner thigh and lightly kissing her neck and around her ear, try to ignore the subtle scent of  baby barf. If your wife should try to move her hands or kiss you back, deny her advances and sternly say “No, this is all about you.” (Not just because she hasn’t had the luxury of brushing her teeth in 24 hours, but because it’s hot.)

When your lady starts to say that her only fantasy is for a nap, cut her off by dramatically toppling the nearby stack of sippy cups and valiantly lifting her  up onto the countertop. Press yourself passionately between your wife’s legs, while you move your hands up under her pants, from her ankles to her hips, commenting on how you’ve been fantasizing about her legs wrapped around you all day. Let your hands linger in the sensitive areas behind her knees. (Not just because barely any hair grows there and she hasn’t shaved her legs in 22 days, but because it’s hot.)

Then, with your hands firmly on her backside, notice with gratitude that your wife finds wearing a bra to be an unnecessary inconvenience these days. Begin to move your mouth over her thin, cotton t-shirt, teasing your way down, making sure to nibble and breathe over all the right spots.  (Not just because you love the taste of dried peanut butter and unwashed cotton, but because it’s hot.)

Next, reach your hands under your wife’s shirt, sliding your palms eagerly up the sides of her rib cage and gently along her breasts.  Groan with excitement that, even though she hasn’t pumped in a few hours, she doesn’t bat your hands away. Instead she tries to put your hands where she wants them, sternly tell her, “I’ll get there, but I’m going to wait until you’re begging.” (Not because you are a dick, but because it’s hot.)

Next, spend time under her shirt with your tongue, exploring her nipples and her clavicle, every once in a while pausing to kiss her on the mouth deeply, your desire completely overriding the unbrushed teeth situation. Whenever you feel her tongue engaging eagerly with your kiss, lightly pull her snarled mom-pony-tail so that her head tilts back and away from your mouth. When she protests your denial, tell her to “be patient.” Then pull a little harder, being careful not to get your fingers tangled in the scrunchie, as you gently bite her neck. Ignore the crumbs that tumble out of her hair. 

In the heat of the moment, desperately expand the tiny hole in your wife’s t-shirt with your teeth, and destroy the rest of her top with your hands. Tease your tongue down her body and across her C-section scar.

Then, when she’s moaning sufficiently, abruptly press her shoulders back into the cabinet, look her in the eye, and politely ask, “Wanna have sex tonight, honey?”  

5. Give your wife a nice back rub. Of course in four seconds she will be asleep – dreaming of deep passionate peanut butter kisses.

Angelica Shiels is a licensed clinical psychologist and mom of three young boys.  Find her writings on kids, relationships, and psychology at ontheyellowcouch.com.