We need to talk about this. The other day as I was casually scrolling through the internets, I came upon pictures I did not think I’d ever be subjected to outside a porno magazine. And, my innocence was stolen. What I saw (and have since discovered is being worn by more than just one, lone, crazed individual) is something called the micro bikini.
And, I have to ask why? Why does this exist? Someone needs to explain this to me STAT because my brain is hurting. It is physically unable to process the visual information thrust unsolicited upon it, and it’s starting to melt down.
While the term “micro bikini” to the sane individual may seem redundant, I have learned it is in fact possible to make bikinis even smaller than the scraps of material currently being marketed as swimwear. It’s rather incredulous, I know, but it is fact. Which makes me curious. Were bikinis not small enough? Thongs too restrictive, too modest, perhaps? We needed something smaller that qualified as clothing while being as close to naked as possible?
In all fairness, the suits above actually provide a lot of coverage considering the other options out there. Turns out even micro bikinis aren’t small enough. For those for whom the micro bikini is just way too covered-up, there’s the mini micro. Which is essentially just some twine.
But it gets even smaller.
I hate to say it because maybe these ladies are unaware, but they’re covering the wrong parts.
You don’t need to cover the triangle above your lady bits, but rather the actual bits – the whole bits and nothing but the bits so help you God. What truly baffles me, though, is the string. When the whole ass and now front, thanks to the mini micro, is hanging out, what purpose does it serve? Is it for decency?
The little patches over the nipples aren’t fooling anyone either. The thing is the nipple is just one part of the whole. You need to cover whole entire boob for it to count. Does no one understand this? Does no one understand the purpose of bathing suits? Putting one tiny, little patch over your nipple like a sticker when the whole rest of your boob is hanging does not a bathing suit make.
This whole scenario is exactly what I’m trying to avoid when I’m shopping for a bathing suit. Otherwise it looks like a really ill fitting swimsuit. Like you need to return it and get the right size. For all these bathing suits do, these women might as well be wearing pasties or stripper tassels over their nipples. In fact, they’d be better off in a strip club because at least then they’d be more fully clothed. Perhaps, that’s the true tragedy of it all. These women aren’t even getting paid. They’re putting on a free show. If I were wearing a getup like that, I damn well better be making mad money.
What I don’t understand is why these women even bother wearing anything at all because at this point, really, what’s the difference?
(This post originally appeared on One Funny Motha)
About the author: Stacey is the mastermind behind the humor blog, One Funny Motha, a site she sees as a refuge for rational people. Predicated on the belief that parenting is not nor ever should be an extreme sport, One Funny Motha provides incisive cultural commentary, also known as common sense. Her work has appeared on such sites as The Huffington Post, BlogHer, Scary Mommy and Mamalode, and in 2014 she was named one of the Top 10 Funny Parent Bloggers of the Year by Voice Boks. Perhaps most importantly, she is the proud founder of the Detached Parenting Movement, a child-rearing model she single handedly developed without any guidance or advanced degrees in child psychology. The woman’s a genius. Find her running her mouth on Facebook,Twitter, Pinterest and, of course, her blog.